Spinster in the City

Cougar?

2010-11-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

So time for my monthly post. October was a tough month, but now it's over, yeah! Lately to forget my troubles, I've thrown myself into social things-young single adult and midsingle. This has thrown me into the path of eligible young men...well some not so young and some very young. Which brings me to my latest quandary, how young is too young? Don't worry I'm not talking about premies or anything. But personally at what point do you think the age difference too much, four years, six, eight? And if you haven't already noticed there is a huge double standard between men and women when it comes to this. A man marrying a woman five to ten years younger than himself isn't so uncommon, but the other way around is much more uncommon. As a teenager I had a young women's leader who married a man four years younger than herself. I was always impressed by this and thought she was so brave to do such a thing. But is four years really that much of an age difference? Hardly. Oh and what's that formula, half your age and add 7 and that's the age limit of the person you can date. Who came up with that anyway?

What if you just happen to find someone you just really hit it off with that you really wouldn't think was younger than you if you didn't know? Do you put yourself out there and flirt up a storm and maybe draw comments or do you tell yourself that oh well, something might have been if he was a little older or you a little younger and give up? Honestly, it might have to be the latter unless you have self confidence of steel and look like Demi Moore. Oh well, that's, that, I'm no Demi Moore and not much of a boat rocker. Maybe more equality will come to the next generation of women!

Spinster Syndrome

2010-10-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

From a recent episode of House Hunters- enter 30 year single female, put together with a good job on Capitol Hill. In her intial interview she talks about wanting to buy a house before her 31st birthday. '30 is a benchmark time in life, people are getting married, have kids, have a house and a dog. I figured I either need to get a man or buy a house. I've got to have some kind of accomplishment.'
http://www.hgtv.com/house-hunters/looking-for-a-first-home-in-washington-dc/index.html

Hmm, what is it about being a spinster that makes us think we have to prove ourselves and show we're accomplished? If we're not married we have to show people that we are not worthless by either having an amazing career, making lots of money, getting an advanced degree, buying a house or doing extensive charitable work in a third world country. Guess what I don't have or do any of those things. Does that mean I should feel bad about myself? Is it not enough to support yourself, be a good person and contribute to your community? For years I have felt that pressure to show people that I've done something with my life, but often I fall short and my self esteem takes a major blow. Where does a person's true worth come from? Don't we all have intrinsic worth as children of God?

Why am I trying to prove myself to other people? I've been learning about self defeating beliefs lately and one of them is Achievement Addiction: My worthiness depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income or looks. I think most people believe this to a certain extent, but if we do it also means that if we don't live up to these standards we are a total failure. But who sets the standards and how can we ever be good enough?

It's like we have to prove there's nothing wrong with us just because we're not married. I'm so tired of hearing the phrases, why are you still single? or I can't believe she's still single or I know why he's not married. If you've never noticed before people use these discouraging phrases a lot. Basically they are saying. All the good people are taken, the people that aren't taken have major problems or they are saying that being single is not normal, because normal people have someone. Maybe people don't realize what their words are implying, but they hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want to be married so badly is so people will stop looking down on me or feeling sorry for me, to prove to them I'm not a failure, because I'm not. Sorry if this sounds like a tirade, but I think most spinsters may read this and agree with me. What do you think? How do you keep your self confidence under such pressure?

Maybe I spoke too soon

2010-09-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well my dear readers, I may have spoken too soon about my slump being totally over. In the last two months I dated and broken up with said boy from last post. I must say it's pure agony to get so close to what you want but not having it be quite right. There is a take home message to all this though: you have to try new things and take risks to grow and progress, and I've taken a lot of risks this year-taking a new job far from home and anyone I know, moving twice in 6 months, getting in a car accident (well not really a planned risk, but definitely a challenge), and putting my heart out there in a relationship. All of these things have really stretched me (almost to my breaking point), made me realize things about myself that I needed to change and motivated me to make those changes and face fears that were important to face That almost sounds bad, but I think (hope) it's making me a better person. Along the way though I've had some sweet blessings and little miracles that I've been so grateful for. I've also realized what great friends and family I have, they've really helped me through a tough time. So there you have it, my life in the last two months in fairly vauge detail. Just know that I'm one tough spinster that can get through anything and will eventually get what she wants even if it takes a little (lot) longer than she expected!

The Slump is OVER!

2010-07-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

My spinster slump is officially over---finally! I must have passed the test. I have great roommates that like to get out and do things. I've been going on hikes, visiting iconic sites and meeting lots of fun new people. One person in particular has been very nice to meet and we are going on our second official date on Tuesday! But he went on all the sightseeing adventures with us, so really it's like a fifth date. Things are going very well, so expect updates. Huzzah!

Spinster Slump

2010-06-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

So people must not have wished me enough luck! This week has been the worst I can remember in a long time. My move started with a major car accident (no injuries thankfully, just a totaled car) and just went downhill from there. It's amazing how one thing can bring your house of cards crashing down. It has shaken my confidence and put me in a major slump. I'm now flabberglasted about where to go from here. Am I being tested? It sure feels like it.

Well sorry for the downer posts lately, but if you can't vent on your own blog, where can you vent? Also I accept any sympathy, ideas or stories on similar slumps you've had. I think I seriously need a spinster support group asap!

Away We Go

2010-06-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

So I had hopes that moving to Southern California would give me a new and interesting social scene, alas that hasn't been the case. In fact I haven't been able to make any new friends to hang out with aside from my roommate and she is out of town this week. I have the week to myself and there is only so many phone calls you can make, so much tv you can watch, so much reading and internet surfing you can do before you start to go crazy from lack of social in-person human interaction! Bah, I forgot how hard moving to a new place can be, especially to a suburban area with mostly families. And it's not like I haven't been trying, I've gone to several small (very small) activities of a newly formed midsingles group in the area and I even went to a large midsingles conference about an hour away(that may deserve its own post). It makes me miss Salt Lake and my midsingle's ward out there so much.

Ah but before you feel too sorry for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving-again! My job is transferring me up to their headquarters in Northern California and I am more than excited --not to pack up all my stuff and haul it all the way across the state, but just for another chance to have a life. I've found LDS roommates who seem fun and social and seem to be in the know about the scene up there. I even have an old friend who lives in the area with her family so I won't be alone anymore. Wish me luck!

All by Myself?

2010-05-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hello there! Yes I am a delinquent blogger. In my defense work has been very busy, ah, but on to other issues.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where it feels like all the single girls you know are getting married or dating someone and you feel left in the dust? Yeah it's been one of those weeks-or maybe I should say two weeks, in which I've learned two of my friends are engaged and three others have just started dating someone. Bah! I mean, so happy for them...but why am I always the bridesmaid never the bride (btw I'm not doing the bridesmaid thing anyone and I am so over the bouquet toss).

In an effort to console myself I made a list of all of my friends, former roomates, etc. that are not married or dating anyone. The list totals to 30 girls, a fine group of ladies that I don't mind being a part of. Spinster unite! And yes I do feel better now :)

Dilemma

2010-03-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well I've been out here for a whole month! I love it mostly, but it's actually a lot harder than I thought it would be. First off I don't really know anyone but my roommate in the area. Which leads me to the question I've been asking myself for over a week. If you are no longer in a singles' ward and there are not a lot of LDS singles your age in the area, how do you make friends or meet guys?

Am I going to have to start online dating? Because I've been trying to avoid that for years! Am I going to have to look for platonic friends on Craigslist? Going to a bar is not really an option. I'm really kind of isolated, because my roommate, although awesome, is older than me and works nights and at work I don't have many co-workers.

On Saturday, in an effort to meet people, I went to a LDS 31+ singles dance an hour away all by myself. It was a big group of people but I was in all honesty the youngest person there. There were folks there in their 70's! Bah, I love spending time with people older than me, just not at a dance where I am supposed to be meeting people to date. It was strange. But I did meet a few girls and one guy that were around my age and that was good, but they all live far away from me. Oh well at least I tried, right?

The New Me

2010-02-19T09:31:00.001-08:00

Good news, I will no longer be Spinster in the City anymore!---Haha, No I'm not getting married, but I am moving, so instead of being Spinster in Salt Lake City I will be a spinster in another place! I'm moving to the LA area for a great job and I couldn't be happier. I'm excited by all my new possiblities (including a new dating pool!). So things are really looking up for me, wish me luck! (Oh and I'll continue to write because, of course, you will want to hear about all my new spinster adventures in Lala land.)

Valentimes...

2010-02-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

Happy belated Valentine's Day! Some single people have a hard time with this couple-centric holiday, but I really don't. Of course there does come an oversaturation point where you've seen enough hearts, candies and pink and red to make you puke, but I don't really mind not having a Valentine. Maybe because I never have had a boyfriend on that day I don't know what I'm missing, but to me the Christmas season is much much harder. What do you think?

P.S. enjoy this video from Homestarrunner, "Valentime's is Serious Times," (beware it is very strange and silly, but hilarious). www.homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

Until the Real Thing Comes Along

2010-02-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

So I have seriously been considering ending this blog. I thought maybe it had run its course and that I had said all I needed to say, but maybe I haven't. I know the key to keeping a blog going is posting often and I am so bad at that, but I can't seem to give up Spinster in the City, so I'm going to start writing again and more often. I'm updating the page and format as well. Lucky you!

A lot has happened in the last 3 months and yet not much has happened either. I'm still at the same job in the same city in the same house and still looking for a full-time job. But I will say I have been dating more-alot for me. I've kind of been putting myself out there--I even went speed dating, for the first time in my life! But the guys I've been dating have been, even for me, something akin to dating the "comic book guy" above. I don't want to sound proud or anything, but I feel like I could do better. They were quite a bit older than me, had kids, were not good looking and were kinda boring, but I was willing to give them a chance, because it wasn't like I was dating anyone else and shouldn't we give everyone at least a chance? Because what if we are being too picky? And you know what conclusion I am coming to-no, you don't have to give everyone a shot. If your gut says no, go with you gut!

As single women over a certain age do we begin to settle for men far beneath us? A case in point, two new girl friends in my mid-singles ward are both smart, pretty, fun, with it and both in their mid-thirties. Maybe it's because of this last fact they feel like they need to broaden their horizons or just that the pickings are slim at that age and in our ward, but one of these girls pointed out to me a guy in Sunday School who she said she really liked. Apparently they had even gone out on a date because she had clued him in that she was interested, but he had never asked her out again! I was shocked he hadn't asked someone like her out again and I was even more shocked she was interested in the first place, he doesn't seem entirely "with it" and I had noticed before was quite socially awkward. The other girl had made it clear to another guy 12 years older than her, that she was interested. They went out once or twice and that was the end of it, but she still had a little thing for him. Huh?

Now lets bring this back to me, because now I have a little crush on a guy in the ward I would not have really considered before, and yet he is not asking me out despite my attentions! What is wrong with these guys! And even more important why do we care?

Blog Crush

2009-11-12T21:22:00.001-08:00

I just found a new spinster blog that I just love. It's got a clever title, First Person Singular. The author is a spinster like me albeit she is more sophisticated and hipper than me and isn't Mormon. I like the contrast and although we're different we still have the same spinster issues. I appreciated this recent post, http://firstpersonsingular.org/2009/10/19/post-wedding-blues/, about the post wedding blues. My favorite quote from her post, "weddings are tough. They bring up a special mix of highs and lows-from overflowing joy for the triumph of love, to the demon question: why have I been excluded from this most natural human act?"

She brings up a good point. As singletons I think we dwell on that sometimes, "what did I do wrong or what is wrong with me that I'm not married?" "Why have I been excluded?" The answer of course is unknowable, which makes it all the more tempting think about. We can work on "improving" ourselves to get married, but how do we know we're improving the right things? Really it just is what it is. That's what I have to tell myself and before delve headlong into a sad state (which you can't avoid every now and then but anyway). I am single-fact; now what can I do to enjoy my life and help others?

As with any trial asking why doesn't get us as far as asking what can I gain from this experience. It sounds trite I know, but I think I am a more compassionate person because I've gone through this experience of spinsterhood. Hopefully there are some other good character attributes I've gained as well. I wish I could say it was patience, but I'm not a very patient person. Although, maybe I am more so than I would have been had I married at 19 or something. Anyway, Elder Uchtdorf recently gave a talk and said something I found to be spot on, "Do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective...seek learning, become engaged in a meaningful career and seek fulfillment in service to others." I like that man.

The Sounds of Spinsterness

2009-10-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

I've written about spinster movies and tv shows before, but never about spinster music. I had never really thought about it before until I recently discovered the music of Feist. Ok I'm probably late to the game on this discovery, but she is wonderful, amazing and I love all, yes, every one of her songs. And her music just seems to resonate with the spinster in me and as far as I've been able to find out she is herself a spinster. Some of my favorites of hers that have spinster themes to me have to be "Secret Heart", "Mushaboom", "I Feel it All", and"1234."
See http://www.listentofeist.com/.

So that made me think about what other music I find particularly suited to spinsterhood. I would definitely add to the list most things sung by Billie Holiday, especially "Lover Man" and "You Go to My Head." Dixie Chicks also have empowering music for spinsters, like "Wide Open Spaces" and "Earl had to Die." Does anyone have any ideas who else could be added to this list?

Late Bloomer

2009-10-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

I've decided I'm a self enforced late bloomer, which really just means I'm a procrastinator. I know this about myself, so I really shouldn't be suprised I'm a spinster. I mean I leave everything else to the last minute, so why not marriage. And it is starting to feel very last minute, eleventh hourish even-at least in the have a family department (because of course you can get married at any time in your life). I think having to move over to a mid-single's ward really made me wake up and say, Hey! You don't have forever to get it all together, so start doing something now!

So I have, I've started making improvements in my life and things are starting to come together in ways I had hardly hoped for. So wish me luck, this could be the beginning of a brand new me-or just an improved newer version of myself, SITC 2.1.

Ask Ms. Spinster..

2009-10-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,
Have you been dying to ask a spinster-related question? Well you are in luck, I'm now taking questions and giving the best spinster advice/ideas/empathy around.

This was my friend Jenn's idea and I think it will be fun to hear what people are wondering.
So email me at ldsspinster@gmail.com and oh course your name will be confidential and not posted. Just the questions and my response. So put your thinking caps on and email me!

Facebook Group!

2009-10-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago I formed a Facebook group-The Mormon Spinster Society! You will find me there as Ima Spinster. If anyone would like to join the group I think it could be a fun way to network and maybe get the word out about the blog. I am still contemplating have a face to face spinster activity in Salt Lake. I know this would ruin my anonymity, but I would love to interact with some of my local spinsters. Anyway let me know what you think!

The Ties That Bind

2009-10-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well my dear Spinsters and Spinster affliated friends, it's been a busy month. I've moved residences (I'm still in Salt Lake City though!), been juggling two jobs and been entertaining company from out of the country. But maybe the real reason I haven't written is that there just have been no spinster highs or lows that have whipped me up into a passion. Like I said in a previous post I've been very content lately in my spinsterhood, very at peace with it. Maybe that means I don't need this blog anymore. But I will of course keep writing if I think this provides any solace or an outlet to any of my spinster sisters.

There has been one topic that has been on my mind lately. A few weeks ago I was reaquainted with a single gal in my mid-singles ward that I had known in college. She had recently moved into town and had previously been living for the past five years with her sister and her's sister's family and also near some of her siblings and their families. Because she was single her family just assumed that she had lots of time to do them favors and babysit their children all the time. She of course loved spending time with her nieces and nephews, but it did become a burden and she felt like she needed to move to get herself out of the situation.

So this got me thinking, what kind of burdens do we bear and what kind of sacrifices do with make for our family because we are single? I think we do much more for our families then they ever realize or maybe even appreciate. I only have one sister and she lives in another country with her husband and kids. I don't think she realizes the financial sacrifices I have made to go and visit her numerous times in this other place. I am also now thinking of delaying getting a fulltime job so I can spend more time with them when they visit for a month over the holidays! Not only that but I feel like I have more responsibility to help and spend time with my parents because I am the only child living nearby. I also sometimes think that I possibly shouldn't move away from Utah because I don't want to leave my parent's all alone.

I think these things have impinged on me financially and socially, even though I love to see my family. So what burdens have you borne for your family because of your singleness? Do they think you have all the time in the world to help them because you don't have your own family? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Single with a Purpose: Guest Post

2009-09-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

In response to my Single with a purpose post, my friend agreed to write down some of her thoughts on the topic. Thanks friend, it's always good to hear different points of view. Take a look:

"I found your post about being single with a purpose very thought-provoking, and it caused me reflect on my life and the unique opportunities I've had because of my spinster status. I'd like to share just a couple.

When I was 25, I started working for a not-for-profit agency and had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with some pretty influential politicians because I planned fundraisers and other events. Those few moments spent with people of influence turned into an invitation to attend a conference at which several employees of various helping agencies were able to put forward ideas to these politicians about how to help families struggling with poverty, domestic violence, immigration laws and many other issues. When it was my turn to discuss these issues, I took a big leap of faith and described the visiting teaching program, and how it could be applied in a social sense. For example, families established in our communities could volunteer as visiting families to ones newly establishing themselves, and visit the newcomers on a regular monthly basis, and assist them in ways that are needed, mainly friendshipping.

Although I knew I was out on a limb, many of the people present found the idea exciting and very adaptable to all the needs we were discussing. Even though I have since left that career and community, I have had success stories relayed to me by families that experienced this very new way to visit teach. Even though I believe strongly that raising a family is the highest goal I could ever achieve, had I been home raising children at this point, none of that would have happened.

Also, two years ago I unexpectedly lost my job, and was devastated, and the only comfort I could find was to tell myself that I at least I was only providing for myself. True, but not very helpful in the moment. As I interviewed for a new position, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and tried hard to keep my chin up rejection after rejection. Finally, after two months, one place I had interviewed with a month earlier and had felt so positive about after the interview, tracked me down and offered me the position because due to unforeseen circumstances, the chosen applicant had to turn it down, and I was the runner-up. I knew it was risky to move several hours away to a community I'd only ever been to for that interview, and for a temporary contract no less, but no other jobs were forthcoming, so I grudgingly accepted.

That move turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Not only was my career building in ways I'd never dreamed and my contract made permanent, I felt myself growing spiritually in ways I had long desired, and my social life was stronger than ever. The most interesting part of this whole experience was that the person whose position I was filling on a temporary basis turned out to be part of a branch that had long been missing from my ancestry's family tree.

The diligent genealogists in my family had searched for this branch for years, and never could find information on that name, and here I was working in one of the descendant's office. She and I have a great relationship, and through this unexpected twist of fate, our families have been reunited. I'm positive at some point the Lord would have found a way for our families to find each other no matter what, but I feel it was a privilege to be the instrument of reuniting these two families, and grateful that although it was difficult circumstances that caused me to move in the first place, my spinster circumstances gave the flexibility needed to do what was required."

Does anyone else have any experiences they'd like to share?

Stages of Spinster Grief

2009-09-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

So I have a theory that most spinsters go through a grieving period just like any person who has had some kind of major personal loss. And I think this grieving period follows the stages of grief that go along with it-you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This is called the Kübler-Ross model by the way (I just learned that on wikipedia 5 minutes ago-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).

I think I could name a different friend experiencing each one of these stages now. I myself have cycled through each of them a few times and I think I have finally now come to the acceptance stage. I have probably spent the most time in the anger and depression stages and sometimes still have those feelings, but mostly now I just feel like it's going to be okay. Accepting isn't neccesarily giving up or even believing that I'll never get married. It's more a feeling like this is how my life is, I am single, whether I like it or not and I can be happy and find purpose and enjoyment in my life no matter what. It's more about accepting your life as it is and finding peace, which feels pretty great.

Single with a Purpose

2009-08-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

I think when it comes to marriage a lot of LDS spinsters feel like they've been sideswiped. All the sudden they are celebrating their 29th, 30th, 31st birthday (and beyond) and they are wondering what happened? I thought I would be married by now, I wanted to be married, what did I do wrong? Isn't it funny that that is the first thing we may ask ourselves- what did I do wrong? Was I not righteous enough? Should I have put myself out there more? Should I have married that one dude, even though I wasn't 100% (or even 75%) sure about it? I guess it's possible that we could have made a few bad choices or passed up a few opportunities that got us to where we are, but what I think is more likely is that there is a purpose to our singleness or at least we can find purpose in it.

When I first went to my mid-single's ward sacrament I was sitting in the front row and I turned around and just saw a sea of spinsters all between the ages of 31 to 45. For the most part they looked like with-it women. At first I thought,"how sad, look at all these single women," but then the more I thought about it, I thought, "look at all these women and think about how much good they probably do for the community around them. Look at how useful they are to society. They probably all have full time jobs and are being a good influence on the people they work with and for and are accomplishing neccessary, even great things. They probably spend a good amount of time serving the people around them as well." Yes, the Lord needs good mothers, but he also needs these single women serving wherever they are.

It was an uplifting thought and one that I'm glad to share. It's very likely many of these women will marry one day, later then they thought they would, but everyone in life is on a different timetable and we have different things to accomplish in this life and different places we are needed. How do we know our life isn't going just as it should? Maybe we really are on-course, at least that is the way I like to think about it, what do you think?

Family vs. Single ward Update

2009-08-17T12:53:00.001-07:00

Here's an update-So I've started attending the older single's ward with my roommate and the people are so so much more friendly than in my family ward. Many people have talked to me and introduced themselves, just the way people at church should. I just find it sad that a single person should be made to feel that the only way they can fit in is in a single's ward (at least in Utah). I call my new ward the Leper colony, not because the people there are in any way unwell, but because the community at large has forced us to associate only with ourselves and not with them. Which is really unfortunate, because single people really have a lot to offer a ward.

Anyway, please don't think that I let this subject consume me. I usually don't think about it until Saturday night when I realize that church is tomorrow. And this is a time of adjustment for me, so hopefully things will start to run more smoothly now. What I really wanted to do here is bring the subject to light and let my fellow spinsters know that, hey, I understand how you feel.

Where do all the lonely people go?

2009-07-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

My new ward isn't getting any easier. I thought I was making progress because the ward clerk called me in for an interview with the bishop. I thought good maybe I can get to know the bishop a little and I will get a calling. Not so good. They called me as a family history consultant-the fourth or fifth time I've had that job. Don't get me wrong, I love genealogy, but this calling is not going to get me involved in the ward much. It's not a calling I can only do in a family ward. Also, it is a frustrating job because no one wants to do their family history and ward members will probably try to avoid me more than they already do!

We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?

My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...

Only the Lonely

2009-07-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

So I've finally made the switch to a family ward and I had no idea that the transition would be so hard. The worst part is sitting alone and not knowing anyone. I would have thought more people would introduce themselves or be outgoing. I should have been, but I really just don't feel like I fit in. I am pretty much the only person in the ward my age and in my situation.

Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."

Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?

Outta My League

2009-05-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).

It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.

I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.

As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.

I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,

"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."

I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?

Never too late?

2009-05-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

Well this just throws the "timeline" out the window.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/may/16/66-year-old-mother

Destined to Spinst

2009-04-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

Spinst can that be the verb form of Spinster? Anyway, the question that I have been asking myself for awhile is-was I born to be a spinster? Some people say that they always felt that they would never marry or marry late in life. I never felt that when I was younger, but sometimes I wonder if I just fit the spinster stereotype a little too well. First off I work in a library. So I'm a librarian of sorts. I can just see Donna Reed walking out of the library in glasses and frumpy clothes in It's a Wonderful Life, when Jimmy Stewart sees how his wife would have ended up without him. Why do so many people picture a librarian when they think spinster?

Also I like to garden and do genealogy-(maybe that just sounds like a retiree, I don't know). And I do like cardigans. What does this say about me? Plus maybe I am a tad frumpy and a little round around the edges, but I don't wear glasses. I wear contacts. And I never wear a bun in my hair. I also don't own any cats. So no one can call me a crazy cat lady, but sheesh it's still not very comforting. I've accepted my Spinsterhood to an extent, but I would like to think it was a choice not my destiny!

Oh Blog!

2009-04-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

So do you ever get bummed out reading some people's blogs? I do. Some blogs are the equivalent of a Christmas newletter. They relate only the best things about a person or family's life and make it look perfect or at least better than yours. Everyone seems accomplished and happy and good looking. And the worst of these kinds of blogs are the ones from people your own age or even younger, people you went to high school with or even people your siblings' age.

Recently an old friend from high school added me as a friend on facebook. Fine. Good. Then I happened to see she had a blog posted on her profile so I went to it. It was an alright blog. She had a cute family- two little kids. It made me feel a wee bit envious, but happy for her. Then I saw a link on her blogroll to a blog that linked toother blogs from people that graduated the same year I did. This was a mistake, because as I perused through blog after blog of my peers with pictures and stories of their spouses, and kids, and homes, and great jobs, etc. ad nauseum, I got nauseated. Yet I couldn't stop looking at them. I felt like in comparison, my life couldn't compare. It was like, "look at everything you missed and can never have."

I will admit that it wasn't totally logical thinking, but the raw emotion of it overwhelmed me-a moment of spinster weakness perhaps. It's hard to see people you grew up with and not compare yourself to them. Oh course they have struggles and problems and maybe I wouldn't want to trade places with them, but from now on I'm taking those kind of blogs in smaller doses. It's safer that way. Does anyone have any similar experiences?

I'm here, I'm here

2009-04-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers, your friendly neighborhood Spinster here. If you have been wondering where I have been and if I'm ever going to post again, I'm here and I will! It seems like most bloggers have a post like this every few months explaining why they aren't blogging and why. Well this is the last post of this sort you'll get from me, because I've come to the conclusion I will never be a consistent blogger. I wait until I have like 5 or 6 topics that I'm just busting at the seams to write about and then I will post in fits and spurts until I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas.
And sometimes I do feel like I've run out of ideas since I have been writing this blog for over a year now and my topic is kind of a narrow one. Actually the other day I realized that I had written a post that was almost identical to one I had written a year before! Oops. (See single vs. family wards) I guess I'm still going through the same issues, so I just need to keep blogging it out. A wise person once said, "It's not one thing after another, its the same thing over and over."
Since it has been over a year since the blog began I thought I'd perhaps do an overview of where this site is at. It started as a small blog and will stay a small blog or should I say a niche blog. I started it specifically for the Mormon spinster so I haven't gone around advertising it to just anyone. Mostly I've told my friends who have told their friends or people have just stumbled upon it while doing google searches.
In fact if you search "LDS spinster" I'm the top two hits you get. Also if you search just "spinster blog" I'm the second hit you get and the same for "spinster stories." I actually love looking at my sitemeter and finding out how people end up on my site. Here are some of the recents searches that have found me: "nice girls finish lonely"; "Join a nunnery"; "groceries for one"; "Virgins in their thirties" (I'm not sure just who is doing this search); "I feel like an old spinster" and "love taxi"(huh?). Anyway I love the many paths that lead to me.
As for my other stats-I have 17 subscribers on Google reader and 3 followers on blogger.com. And as far as I know I'm on 10 blogrolls on other blogs. So all in all not a runaway success, but not bad. I'm pleased. If you do feel so inclined though go ahead and add me to your google reader, blogroll or become a follower or my favorite thing of all leave a comment! Also if you have any great ideas for posts I'd love to hear them or if you think your blog should be on my blogroll let me know. Ok I guess that's it from me, but you will be hearing from me soon, I have a whole list of spinster issues to rant about-ahh, just what you've been waiting for. ;)

Friends by chance, Sisters by choice

2009-03-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that the best way to be a good Spinster is to have a spinster sister to live with and share your inheritance with. That used to be quite popular over a hundred years ago, I can think of one set of spinster sisters in my own genealogy-this is a shout out to Martha and Chancenie Dungy, who never married and lived together all their life in Alabama and Tennessee. We also see a good deal of spinster sisters in literature. My roommates and I recently watched the Masterpiece Theater miniseries-Cranford, which revolves around two spinster sisters and their large group of spinster and widow friends. Actually, as far as we could tell almost no one in the town was actually married.
But, as I only have one sister and she has been married for nigh on eight years now, the next best thing for me is roommates of my same age and situation. I have three roommates all between the ages of 27 and 31 and they are great fun. We have interesting conversations which include a lot of laughter, we eat together fairly often and throw parties together as well. We also go on the occasional road trip and outing together too. It's been loads of fun actually, so I think I will adopt them and make them my spinster sisters, and as I've said for a spinster there is nothing better.

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

2009-03-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

Some of the comments from my last post have spurred me to write a post about parents and relatives that say or do things that really hurt even though their intentions may be good.

As a follow up to my last story there is another little tidbit to add. My Dad likes to make lists and resolutions, goals, mission statements, etc., that everyone else in the family usually ignores because either they are cheesy or just really far out there. Anyway, last weekend I saw a paper in a pile that was labeled "Things to do before the Millenium"(this is classic Dad stuff). One of the things was- "To do all I can to see my children happily married for eternity" or something like that. So I guess asking me about internet dating was a part of reaching this goal, but it made me feel kind of deflated, because obviously my sister has been married for awhile, so this goal was all about me. It was a good intention, but made me feel like a "project", and who wants to feel like that? I have some other stories of this sort to share as well.

My dear friend told me that recently her mother had said to her when discussing dating and guys and what-not, "Honey, do you think it will ever happen," meaning of course, do you think you will ever get married? Now my friend said her Mom said this nicely and with all compassion, but needless to say she didn't like the comment, in fact she was a little shocked that her Mom had actually said it.

I have a very similar story of my own, mind you this was a good FIVE years ago and I had just finished college and was kind of at a loss of what to do with myself and more than a little depressed. In a conversation with just the two of us, my brother-in-law said to me, "Do you think you'll ever (emphasis on ever) get married?" I was floored, I wish I would have gotten mad at him, but in the state I was in it was all I could do to fight back the tears. Now this very pointed question was said very doubtingly as if he was sure that it would never happen. I wasn't even that old and already he was telling me it was over for me. Obviously he had no faith in me which made me have less faith in myself. I thought, dang it, who else is thinking this. I honestly have never forgiven him for being so thoughtless and taking my greatest insecurity and trampling all over it.

Now I know what some of you will say, get over it, don't be mad, who cares what other people think or thought, don't let it get to you, but easier said than done. Some times other people's words infest our minds like parasites, feeding on our peace of mind. Wouldn't it be better to just be encouraging and not make people think there is something wrong with them or that they are unloveable? Actually I am a lot more resilient (but not immune) now then I was back then. I have come to understand more through the years about life and how it's not really fair or predictable and that there is a lot about spinsterhood that I really like and there are many ways my life could have turned out worse but it hasn't. So even though my Dad would like to see me married, I would just rather see me happy in whatever form that takes. The end.

Internet "Dating": Fact or Ficiton

2009-03-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

So my last post mentioned something about internet dating, which for myself I am against. Not that I don't know some people it has worked for, but personally it's not my style and I think it complicates the whole dating process. So when I went out to lunch with my Dad this week I was dismayed when he offered to pay for any and all LDS dating sites that I wished to become a member of. He told me this story about how his secretary's daughter meet her fiance on an LDS site and how it's all roses and rainbows. I told him straight out that won't be necessary and let's not talk about it anymore. I guess I should have been touched my Dad was thinking of me, but really it kind of makes me feel like the wayward daughter that can't pull it together and just get married already. I don't know how I want my parents to feel about my singleness. I kind of just want them to not really be concerned or worried, because then that makes me feel that way. So then here's my questions-how do your parent's feel about your single sitch and how do you feel about internet dating?

Too Many Choices...

2009-02-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

Apparently Time magazine has their finger on the heartbeat of the American single's scene. I found this article interesting and I'm giving you the most relevant bits. For the whole article go to: Advice for the New Dating Game By Belinda Luscombe Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1879191,00.html

"Some of them are respected scientists. Some of them are psychologists. At least one of them is a briefly married former TV-morning-show host. A surprising number of them are stand-up comedians. And they all want to give you dating advice. If you're single and don't wish to be, have they got a TV show/book/scientific theory for you! As if you haven't suffered enough.

According to the most recent census figures, about 84 million Americans ages 20 to 75 are unmarried or separated. Even if only half of them want to find a spouse, that's a nice fat target for the media to aim at in a market where such uniformity of desire is rare. So while dating and mating instructions are probably as old as Australopithecus (Tip 1: "Stand up straighter"), right now the advice-o-meter is running hot. When a coupling manual turned movie--He's Just Not That Into You--is a box-office hit, something's up.

How bad is the dating scene? Bad enough that a production company believes it can find four adults willing to have spouses chosen for them by their friends and family, marry them and allow their subsequent domestic life to be broadcast on CBS. (Because what could possibly go wrong in your first year of wedlock to a stranger?) Other lonely hearts have already submitted to having their mate-finding woes aired on cable. Yes, there have been dating shows before, but none quite so DIY as three offered by FLN, the network formerly known for fancy cooking and curtain-choosing. Wingman, in which comedian Michael Somerville acts as a dating sidekick, premiered Feb. 10. How to Find a Husband, a British import, arrives in April. The network is also developing Love Taxi, in which a cab driver plays matchmaker. Dating, camera, New York City taxi--the discomfort trifecta."

(This next paragraph I find the most interesting)
"Has it come to this? Is dating really that hard? Sociologists have long agreed that the two key factors of mate choice are proximity and timing. We choose from those around us, generally two to five years after we finish our education. But at least one of those pillars is eroding. Online dating has meant that our pool of potential mates is much bigger. The opportunity cost of giving up on a potential suitor is lower. And it's more work to find the wheat in all that chaff.

This is made more complicated by our new living patterns, says New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, whose book Elsewhere, U.S.A. examines how our work and domestic realms collide. "Social proximity is more defining now," he says. "It's class- or occupation-based. Doctors marry doctors instead of nurses." Conley points out that in the past 30 years, the social norms for mate selection have completely flipped: there are fewer prohibitions on whom you can marry, most women work outside the home, and the digital dating landscape is a whole new terrain. "The last change of this significance was the introduction of the Pill," he says."

-Ok back to me, so I have long thought the dating pool is just too big. There are too many choices, it's overwhelming. People aren't willing to take the time to get to really get to know people, they just move on because there is a never ending stream of single people or as I like to joke, a never ending stream of 18 and 19 year old girls at institute or in the single's ward! But doesn't that really define our generation, the phrase "too much?"We are the "Too much Generation" and now it's coming to back to bite us in the butt.

For more single's statistics- see my topics side bar on the right.

To Family Ward or not to Family Ward...

2009-02-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

You won't notice if you only read me on google reader, but I've revamped the blog a bit. I have a new background(much more interesting I think) and I've updated my quote of the week(or whenever I get around to it) and the Spinster of the week and I've added a new spinster blog link. So check it out. Anyway, enough about business, onto the topic at hand.

So I'm thinking of going to a family ward. (Gasp!) I'm really tired of the singles ward scene and I've noticed I'm not really making an effort to really get to know and become friends with people in the ward. I'm just kind of coasting. The same goes for my calling too. I teach Relief Society once a month for like 30 minutes and that's it. I don't really feel like I'm contributing much. Also I think I want to get moving along before I get too old and they make me move along. I never want to have that conversation with the bishop.

I think going to the family ward might be an interesting change and it definitely would be more diverse than the singles ward, age-wise and experience-wise. Also, I know not everyone would say this, but I'd really like to work in the Young Women's organization. I feel like that would be an important contribution. I can't think of a harder time in life for girls than than the 12-18 years. I had a really good experience in YW and had some amazing leaders. I hope I could be a good influence on the girls and if nothing else I could teach them that they need to plan their lives so that if they're not married by 21 or even 23 they have other things in life to look forward to.

But here's the problem, I am not looking forward to going to church alone and sitting by myself. I also will probably be the only one in my age or situation. How will I make friends that can hang out on the weekend, go to the movies whenever? They will probably all have families to take care of. My roommate that is 31 is contemplating going to an older single adult ward (31-100), but I just don't think I could handle that. I've heard strange things. Blah, choices.

Have I mentioned I don't really like the idea of singles wards? Oh maybe their fine when you're going to college, but after that I think they are so artificial. They perpetuate the Peter Pan syndrome I think. Maybe I have said too much, but the truth is I don't really feel like I fit into any of these places. What is a spinster to do? Any ideas?

Be back soon...

2009-02-01T19:10:00.001-08:00

Ok, ok. The holidays are over as are finals so now I finally have some time to post. I have a lot of things to write about, but at the same time I don't want to sound too "whiny." I was reading one spinster blog and the author made the comment that most of these types of blogs are usually "whiny." Do I fall into this category? I don't want to be all woe is me, but at the same time I view this as my support group and if I can't express how I feel here, where can I? I want to express how I really feel about real issues, about the ups and downs of spinsterhood and the double standards I see in this social system we're a part of. So if you feel I complain too bitterly, I'd be happy to refer you to another more upbeat spinster blog, but if you can empathize with me then leave a comment and let me know!

My Old Flame

2008-12-16T21:45:00.001-08:00

So Saturday I went to a Natural History Museum with my little nieces and the rest of my family. I wasn't looking particulary fetching, because hey I'm hanging out with my family and kids and I don't have to impress them. Also it was snowing that day so my hair had gotten wet and kind of wigged out, oh and to top it all off I had a big red blotchy zit right in the center of my face. Anyway, who, who of all people did I turn around and see right next me? This guy I had really liked and gone out with a long time ago and haven't seen since! He was all excited to see me and then what ensured was awkward indeed. I struck my hand out for a handshake, he shook it and then went in for a hug, which I went the wrong way on and it was just weird and it didn't help matters any that my Dad was standing right next to me too. So then we had this awkward conversation, because what do you really talk about with someone that you don't really know anymore. And then that was it and the rest of the time at the museum I tried to avoid him and his pretty wife and their two little boys.

This has been a fear of mine for awhile, not a huge fear, but somewhere in the back of mind there is this thought whenever I go out that I could run into someone I don't want to run into at precisely the time I don't want to run into them. In this case it was running into an old flame when I was looking awful. And this thought creeps into my mind that he is thinking, "Phew, I'm glad I didn't end up with this girl." How come you never run into people like this when you're looking stunning and feeling uber confident. Oh well now that's done with, I don't have to worry about running into him because I already have, unto the next old flame, but this next time I'll be prepared.

A Blog by any other name...

2008-11-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm thinking of changing the title of my blog. Not the address, lest people not know where to find me, but just the title. I want something a little more unique and clever (or maybe just funnier) than what I have now. So does anyone out there have any ideas?

I was thinking about changing the name to "The Spinster 'Hood". Oh course then my friend pointed out that it sounded too much like "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and would feel like it needed an ending. I then suggested "The Spinsterhood of the Wandering Uterus" (Supposedly in the old days all sorts of maladies were said to be caused by a wandering uterus. Jenn did you first tell me about this? Anyway...), but then I decided I would get google hits from people not wanting to find out about spinster issues, so I nixed that idea.

My friend suggested "Spinsterology: the study of all things spinsteral." We got a good laugh out of that and thought it would be fun. What do all y'all think?

Groceries for One

2008-11-07T09:56:00.000-08:00

I made a mistake grocery shopping the other day. I usually like grocery shopping. I like to look for deals and interesting foods that I've never seen before, but on this day I did not like shopping. I had decided instead of getting a huge cart that I didn't need or carrying around a basket that was too small, I would get one of those smaller carts that are about a third the size of regular shopping carts. That was my mistake because as soon as I started using it I felt this huge stigma of singleness fall over me. I felt like I was carrying a big neon sign that said single and alone. Who knew that a grocery cart could have such connotations, but every person I saw in the store with a similar cart looked like a middle aged divorcee or at least very single.

I know this sounds silly, but sometimes I like a certain degree of anonymity when it comes to my single status. And really I'm not the only one. What single person likes to go to a sit down dinner by themselves and then catch a movie by themselves? I mean they will eat dinner and watch a movie alone at home, but they won't do this in public, right? I actually did this once a few years ago, just as an experiment to see how it would feel. I went to a sit down Middle Eastern restaurant all by myself and ordered a meal and ate it alone. It was a tad awkward, but mostly it was just boring. I hadn't brought anything to read so I just kind of sat there. I think the waitress did give me a few odd looks. Then I went to a movie at the theater by myself. Once the lights were turned off and the movie started it really felt like no big deal. Actually in truth my night on the town by myself didn't feel any weirder or more awkward than pushing that little grocery cart around Smith's. Isn't that funny?

The cart in question

I think there are actually a lot of things, big and small, that make us remember our singleness and not in a good way. Another small thing is sleeping in a twin bed. Yes, I still sleep in a twin bed because I have a small bedroom and yes it does make me feel like a freshman in college, and not in a good way. The big things are holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Let me tell you that having only one sibling makes it uber weird and boring at Christmas when she goes to her in-laws house instead of ours. It's just me and my parents. That is really when I miss not having a husband and kids. Oh well what can you do? Hate Christmas? Of course not. Does anyone out there have anything that makes them feel particularly single and if so what is your remedy?

I need a housewife/husband/person

2008-10-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

So I've decided one of the hardest things about being a single person is you have to do everything by and for yourself. There is no one there to pick up the slack. Not only do you have to work 40 hours a week to support yourself (or in my case go to school fulltime and have a part-time job and barely support myself), you also have to do all your own housework, laundry, pay all your bills, do outdoor chores, take care of your car, do all your own shopping and prepare all your own meals. You also have to worry about insurance, taxes, investing, saving and retirement all by yourself. It's a lot to do and it's exhausting. I think I understand why people really get married, it's to divide up the work that has to be done.

Plus who is there to look out for you and make sure you eat well or exercise or go to the dentist every 6 months? The other week I was eating terribly-like pizza and ramen noodles, etc. every night and I just thought wow, I wish I had someone to encourage me to take better care of myself. I mean you still probably have your parents. But they can and should only do so much. And your roommates, while a support, have their single selves to look after as well. Although it always is nice when you can pool your resources and make a dinner together or everyone pitches in on the housework.

But anyway, I think the reason why statistically married people live longer is they have that spouse looking out for them. Oh well, maybe one day I'll make some money and I can hire someone to help me out. But until then I will be harried and overworked or in a constant state of chaos or both. Good times!

Il Partner Ideale

2008-10-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

So the other night my roommates and I were sitting around chatting and we came up with a little game. We would all make predictions about the other's future spouses and how we would meet them. It was really like telling bedtime stories and we definitely took artistic license with them. One of the proposals involved trained dolphins giving my roommate her engagement ring and one of the marriages involved getting married on the back of elephants in India. But we decided that all of our dream guys would be converts to the church.

So why would we all rather be married to converts than to men born and bred in the church? Well, no offense to all those sweet wonderful lifetime member guys, but the majority of lifers are ruining it for you! My roommates and I were pretty much in agreement that LDS guys can be very shallow and superficial, more so than many non-member men we have known! Why is this? As members shouldn't they have learned humility and charity and to look on people as God's children? I guess maybe they have assumed that these qualities don't extend to dating and finding a wife.

It seems to me that too many of the LDS guys I meet are really just interesting in dating overly made up, overly flirty young girls. Guys come on, look for some depth of character, try to really get to know some different kinds of girls instead of beelining it for the flashy ones. The truth is I have had more non-member guys interested in me than member guys. I dont' know if this mainly applys to Utah guys or if others out of state have noticed this same trend, but please let me know why this is.

Socrates and so forth...

2008-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

It was Socrates who said:

If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.

I believe this is pretty much true. As humans I think we tend to peek into other windows and feel like they live much better lives than we do. But this isn't really true, everyone has struggles and trials. We also tend to think that if we could get a different job, move to a different place, get married or make lots more money that we would be much much happier. But these cases aren't neccessarily true either. There are many trials and misfortunes that a person can experience in life: death of loved ones, trials of faith, abuse of various kinds, physical disabilities, infidelity, divorce, to a watch loved one make dreadful mistakes, an inability to have children, poverty and financial hardship, and many others. With all of these struggles that I could be going through at this time, I glad the only one I'm facing now is the trial of being unmarried and the accompanying loneliness that comes with it. Although my plan was to be married by now, things could be worse. And even if I were married, it doesn't mean that I couldn't still have times of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and sadness.

I guess what I am getting at here is that I really can't think woe is me, I've got to find that silver lining that is always there. I think what I need to do for now is serve more. Get my mind off me and help others that are going through rough times. And I've got to work on my faith and believing that things will work out for the best one day, because Heavenly Father does ultimately have our best interests in mind or he would never have let us go through so many hard times.

I'm just starting to read a book that was recently published. It was written by a former spinster, Kristen M. Oaks and is titled A Single Voice. I hope it will be enlightening or really just comforting. Sometimes it's nice to know that you're not blazing your own trail all the time, but that other people have been through what you are going through. Anyway, I will for sure let you know what I think of it. That's all for now.
-SITC

Everybody Needs a Plan B (although I could use a Plan G!)

2008-09-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've got some good ideas for a few new posts so keep checking back in the next week or so. But first in response to my nunnery post, my friend sent me a great story about the ideas she and her friends had come up with about their own spinster commune. They have some great ideas, I especially like the one about having a patron to fund the whole thing. So without further ado here is Plan B.

"Ok, so Plan B.
First you have to realize that this was cooked up in the mind of me and my high-school friends who really had nothing better to do with our time.

I think you'll appreciate it though, since it relates to your whole nun topic.

So, to explain. To every one of us, in some form or other, about the same thing had happened: we had gotten the "talk" from a guy that we liked but apparently didn't like us back in that way. You know, the talk that goes something like this:
Guy: You are so great.
Girl: I think you're great too.
Guy: I feel so close to you. You're like a sister to me.
Read: There is no chance ever that we will get together in a romantic way.

So one of my friends had recently gotten that talk from a guy and he actually told her that he thought of her as sort of a secular nun. Meaning, I guess, that he envisioned her as celibate, but not Catholic. Which of course meant that he couldn't see getting together with her.

So all of this spawned an "order" of sorts where we called ourselves the Secular Nuns. And in planning for our future, Plan B was born. Basically it was something that we liked to fantasize about because, again, we had nothing better to do with our time. But I guess it's a way of talking about our fears without really going off the deep end. The secular nuns always planned on wearing fabulous prom dresses as their habits, of course. No blah habits for us.

So the plan is this: our friend T always wanted to be a doctor (which she is now, by the way) and doctors make a lot of money, right? So we figured that if none of us got married, we would just live together in a big house and that was Plan B. It's not unlike your idea of getting together and sharing a place. Here are some of the details:
-- Our mansion is located on the Oregon coast.
-- It's large enough for each person to have her own wing of the house.
-- However, there are some shared facilities that we all enjoy, such as a library.
-- Oh, and did I mention the bowling alley?
-- And the waterslide. The waterslide is actually an enclosed one and it goes through the library. So when you are sitting quietly in the library and reading a book, every once in a while someone comes down the waterslide...
-- I think there was something about each of us having our own servant boy or cabana boy or something, but you can fill in your own ideas about that.
-- Although our rich doctor patroness basically provides for our every need, for pocket change we make little souvenirs to sell on the beach. You know, the ones that are like rocks and shells with googley eyes? Cheap souvenirs like that.

So that is Plan B. Every once in a while we would just sit around and talk about what was going to be in our house and that was our way of having fun. Or commiserating. Or both. :)"

Thank you, dear reader friend for the story. I also love the waterslide idea. Who says spinsters can't have fun!

Get Thee to a Nunnery...

2008-08-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish we as Mormons had our own counterpart of the Catholic nun. I mean since I have wound up taking a vow of celibacy and unfortunately a vow of poverty I might as well get some kind of credit for it, right? I mean not every Mormon girl is going to marry, so why not give her a post where she doesn't have to feel guilty or sad about not finding her EC (Eternal Companion). My friend has even come up with a name for us Mormon nuns- Mormonja! I guess a word for 'nun' in Spanish is 'monja', so she just combined mormon and monja. Perfect! See my friend's post: http://mormonja.blogspot.com/2008/05/where-did-term-mormonja-come-from.html.

Ok, so I know that that's never going to happen, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with my own kind of nunnery! Wouldn't it be great to have some sort of spinster community where we could support and befriend one another. Technically my nunnery wouldn't be like a Catholic nunnery, nor would it be like living like as a sister missionary. Spinsters would have regular jobs and could even date and evenually get married if they wanted to leave the flock. The great thing about my nunnery would be the friendship AND the combination of resources.

That is the kicker. Just imagine how much we could have if we combined our resources. The sad truth of the matter is that statistically, women make less money throughout their lives than men. I don't know why that is, is it the glass ceiling effect, do women start their careers later or do they just choose careers that don't pay as much? It's hard to say, but what I do know is that it is hard to buy a nice home on a spinster's budget or have nice things. But just imagine if 4 spinsters living together combined their 35,000/a year salaries-that's 140,000/year, enough to afford a nice house and stop blowing our money on rent! I'm not really talking about everyone sharing their money equally like the law of consecration, but I am talking about buying a house together and other things together that you couldn't afford alone!

Now I know there are skeptics out there, because I've talked to them about my plan, but it could work. If someone did decide to leave they could sell their share of the house to another spinster(including the equity they had accrued) or rent it out to another spinster (or maybe do a rent to own plan). There would definitely be some kind of contract that would outline all of the particulars. I know spinsters like to be independent and are often transient, but after awhile you just want to settle down and have a house like all your married friends have. Why can't we have the same things? We can, we just have to be more creative about it.

The Economics of Love

2008-08-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be fun to post some related posts from blogs that I read. This is from my friend Medicus at http://brainbitsfrommedicus.blogspot.com/. She's not really a spinster, she's too young for that, but she is a single gal. Enjoy.

The Economics of Love by Medicus

"Recently I've been reading The Eustace Diamonds by Sir Anthony Trollope (which I highly recommend to anyone curious about the novel). The main conflicts involve characters that get tangled up in legal harrassments and love affairs because of a set of fabulous diamonds. Amid this melange of crime, politics, and romance, Trollope addresses the issue of love in marriage. Does marriage based on money pay off? Can marriage based on love weather the plights of poverty?"
"This conflict of love versus money in marriage is actually a relatively new predicament to mankind. It wasn't until relatively recent times that Western societies could afford to make marriage arrangements based solely on love. Marriage has historically been mostly an economic business transaction. From the words of anthropologists, marriage is traditionally a relationship between two men made manifest by the exchange of a woman. The transfer of goods for a woman symbolizes the transfer of rights. Types of traditional economical changes include bride wealth (money from husband given to bride's family for compensation), bride service (husband gives service to bride's family for compensation), and dowries (bride has money from her family to bribe grooms to provide security)."
"We can't forget that marriage is also a contract to help untangle the issue of sexuality. The marriage transaction and resulting contract establishes a continuing claim to the right of sexual access to a woman, which involves the eligibility to bear children. Therefore, marriage also links property and inheritance."
"To put it simply, marriage is historically an issue of "sexinomics." In today's society, we can afford to marry for love, but do we really throw aside the primeval sexinomical issues when we are searching for a mate?"

That is a good question, Medicus. I'm sure when we are looking for someone to marry we look more favorably on gainfully employed, at least somewhat, ambitious guys. (Just a sidenote, isn't it interesting that ambition is usually a trait admired in men, but not in women.) Well as my Dad likes to advise me, "Don't marry for money, just hang around the rich until you fall in love!"

Writer's Block Be Gone

2008-08-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if I've been suffering severe writer's block or what. But after a long delay, here is another post. More to come soon!

I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me happy when I happen upon someone my age that is also living the single life, especially if it is a person I went to high school with. Just this summer I've discovered that four people I went to high school with are unmarried (3 girls and one guy). Before that I discovered two other girls from school that weren't married, so that makes seven of us unattached alumni. It's not a large number, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one who is nuptially challenged, because sometimes it feels like I'm pretty much the only single gal left from high school. I also now have a roommate that is my same age that I knew several years ago in college. It's nice to feel like we're in this together.

Tick tock, tick tock

2008-07-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

As a spinster you tend to think about your biological clock a lot and how everyday you are creeping closer and closer that dreaded age of 35 which is when scientists insist that fertility wanes and that your only hope is for a mutant child. For someone that has always wanted to have kids and be a mom, it is a scary thought to think your body is on a timetable. I mean at this point in my reproductive life my twenties are basically shot and if I don't reproduce in the next five years or so I am laughing in the face of fate. So in this torment of emotion it's no bad thing when you're reminded that having kids isn't always a walk in the park or if it is it requires a many hours to get the kids and their stuff ready to take to the park and then the kids will cry when you eventually have to leave the park and you and the children when be very dirty after the excursion.

I just got back from visiting my sister's family. She has two little girls aged 1 and 3 and after spending 24 hours a day with them for over two straight weeks, I am exhausted and sleep deprived! I think there wasn't one night where one of the kids wasn't up and crying in the middle of the night for some reason. It's hard being a Mom. I love my nieces, but it made me very glad to be single and childfree, at least for now. Perhaps I am not cut out for motherhood after all. I know, I know everyone says when you have you're own kids it will be different. It's just other people's kids that are difficult. While I think this may be partially true, I don't know that I totally buy it. Kids in general just demand all of your attention. There are no two ways about it, having kids involves lots of sacrifice, devotion and energy! I just don't if I'm up to that anymore, maybe when I was 23, but I don't have that boundless energy and patience I might have had when I was younger. Oh well maybe I will never have to find out if I have it now or not.

Speaking of biological clocks, I just read an article that levels the playing field just a bit. A recent study has shown that men have a biological clock too! Apparently men reproducing over the age of 35 are linked to lower pregnancy rates and higher miscarriage rates. The damaged sperm of older men can also lead to some childhood dieases in their offspring. See the article: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2008/0715/1215940927316.html
So let's get the word out. Guys should stop thinking that they can play the field for however long they want without any consequences, even if they do eventually marry a younger woman. Ok that's my take on the matter at hand. I'd like to hear if you ever feel the same way.

Matchmaker, matchmaker...

2008-07-02T22:07:00.001-07:00

So I'm visiting my sister in England right now and last night we went to enrichment at her ward. I know some of the ladies there from my last visit and one of them said, 'so how would you like to live in England?!?' I was thinking like hmm do you have a good job for me in England? Nope that wasn't it. She and several other ladies were like 'ooh she should meet Colin (name changed to protect the innocent)' and then they proceeded to talk about this single guy in the ward (the only young single guy in the ward) that I should date. Everyone was like 'oh yeah, that would be good', like they had all just had a little epiphany or something. It was kind of cute and made me laugh, but seriously folks could that ever work out. Apparently because Colin and I are both over a certain age and single so we should hit it off right away. If only that was the only requirements you needed in a mate. Nevermind I'm only here for another week and you know we live thousands and thousands of miles apart.

The funny thing is my sister and brother in law had already invited him to a party we're having. I think married people are sometimes in so excited to match you up that they scour their minds for any other single person they know around your age, regardless of whether your personalities really mesh. Not that I wouldn't mind living in England, although my Mom would kill me for moving so far away near my sister and then she wouldn't have any children living in the states.

I had another friend who recently tried to set me up on another one of these improbable match dates. Last semester she had a professor who was single in his (late!) thirties, who she said just needed to get married. She thought 'hey, they are both academic types, they'll hit it off.' When she mentioned this to me I of course googled him and found a photo and a few not so flattering reviews of him on the website Rate My Professor. It didn't sound promising and as she told me more it sounded like this guy had almost no sense of humor. Blah, that's what I need most! Anyway, I jettisoned that blind date idea, because it just seemed like oh you're both single and intellectual you're totally hit it off. Again, not a lot of thought went into if this was really a good match.

Anyway, thank you married friends for thinking of us spinsters but please screen all potential matches for suitable personality and interest levels as opposed to just age and marital status.

The Young and the Restless

2008-06-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

I have 29 single female Mormon Facebook friends that are 27 years old or older. I could add at least five more single friends of that age to this list as well that refuse to sign up for Facebook. That’s a lot of single girlfriends! Most of them have expressed to me a desire to be married and most of them expected to have been married by now. So why have they not tied the knot? Many of them are very pretty and stylish. I would describe all of them with at least two or more of the following characteristics: outgoing, fun, smart, ambitious, and active in the church. They are all really just nice, normal and socially adept people. They just all happen to be single.
So is this marriagelessness due to a shortage of nice, normal, socially adept Mormon guys? Is it that the national trend to marry later has rubbed off on the young adults of the church? Have they just not found the right one yet? Do they intimidate guys because they are “too smart” or “too ambitious”? Are they just not putting themselves out there to meet people? Are they in the wrong places at the wrong times? Are they just looking for a specific kind of person and not willing to settle for less? Or is life just really not fair sometimes?
Not that it is bad to marry later in life or that these girls are fated to be spinsters for the rest of their lives (in fact I scratched one girl off the list yesterday because her Facebook status had changed to engaged!), but I think a lot of my friends find themselves wondering what happened, how did their lives become different from their other Mormon peers, especially when they may not have planned it that way? As a spinster of 27+ you really start feeling like a minority in your family and ward. So this group I have amassed of former roommates, ward members, acquaintances and friends is still a minority of the many Mormon girls I have know over the years.
Ah, but maybe we are asking the wrong questions? I have had the same conversation over and over again through the years with my single gal friends. The topic is How do people find each other, fall in love and get married in the first place? Sometimes it seems like it would be a miracle if after all the dates we’ve been on and failed romances we’ve had to find someone who likes us as much as we like him- at the same time. And on top of that that we could both express our feelings to each other, without scaring the other person away or pressuring them into anything, seems unfathomable. But it happens all the time!
I will admit that I have no talent when it comes to interacting with guys. The same girl who was confident five minutes ago can be reduced to a babbling fool in front of a handsome man (it seems weird to call single guys men, guy seems to fit much better). So maybe that is my thing— awkwardness around that opposite gender, but some girls I know have a true talent for making guys like them.
I had a good friend and roommate in college who truly had a gift for attracting guys (of course not all of them were guys you’d want to attract but some of them were). She wasn’t particularly fetching or anything, but she was outgoing and fun and guys flocked to her. She got home from her mission and flew out to Utah a few days before school started at BYU. We had just become roommates and we looking forward to a lot of fun single college activities. I went with her to the BYU bookstore to help her get her books for school the day she arrived and who does she run into-her future husband!-a guy she had known during her freshman year. 3 months later they were engaged, so much for hanging out with my roommate. But the thing was she had only been off her mission like three weeks and she already had a boyfriend, crazy! I could never put my finger on how she did it, it was just innate or something.
Maybe some of my single friends are like me and just not good around guys. I think it would actually be really cool to hire a relationship coach or whatever you would call it, someone who would look at how you act around guys, how you flirted, how you acted on dates and tell you what you needed to work and how to do better. You know maybe something like a makeover, but only for you love life. I did find a really neat TV show kind of like that about a matchmaker in Buffalo, NY-Confessions of a Matchmaker http://www.aetv.com/confessions-of-a-matchmaker/ It was actually a really cute show and the matchmaker was brutally honest but in a way to get people to change not to put them down.
Ok, so I seem to be rambling, but I’m working this out in my head as I go. Anyway, I think probably one or all of the reasons I have mentioned for staying single apply to each of my friends. Obviously this isn’t a cut and dried issue or I couldn’t write a whole blog about it. It’s a super complicated and issues that I haven’t even dreamt of I’m sure are involved. But here is what we know for sure--Life doesn’t always go as planned and here is what we really hope for--Good things come to those who wait!

P.S. I'm going on vacation so I won't be blogging for a few weeks. Please no one be too devasted. :) Oh course if anyone wants to guest blog let me know and I'll add it in the interim.

Another One Bites the Dust

2008-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

So I have this problem, I keep losing my friends! They keep getting "better" friends, friends with benefits, boyfriends. And it's happened again, Yes, one of my dear friends that I hang out with a lot just got herself a serious boyfriend and now I never get to see her! I can only assume it will get worse when she most likely gets engaged and then married. I can't be mad at her though for wanting to spend more time with him than me, because I would do exactly the same thing to her if a great guy came around for me.

It seems that girl friends drop off the planet for about a year after they engaged and married, then after that they realize that they actually do need girl friends and that they miss you and want to see you more. It's a bit devasting to one social circle because all the plans you made kind of fall through and you have to find someone to fill your friends place. See my previous post about the friend cycle, http://ldsspinster.blogspot.com/2008/01/hanging-out-but-not-hooking-up.html. (Oh and Future Spinster Librarian whose blog I read occasionally has gone and got herself engaged so I guess I have to take her off of my Spinster blog list soon, oh well).
Anyway such is the life of a spinster. Anyone out there want to be my friend?

Roads That Lead to Me

2008-06-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

A little while ago I put sitemeter on my blog just to see how many people were coming to my blog and how they were finding out about it and the results have been quite interesting. My favorite thing to do is to see what google and blog searches have led people to me. Some are funny, like naughty spinsters, apparently if you search for that in google I am the first hit!!! But I promise I have never used the word naughty and spinster right next to each other (well until now of course)!

As for the other searches, some were a little melancholy like, I may never marry and think I'll ever get married. Other were precisely the kind of search topic that I wanted to lead people to me, like lds spinster, mormon spinster, and what is a spinster. I was suprised and a little pleased to see searches from what I presume and hope were from other older virgins, like the search, virgins in their 30's ( I actually got two of those). And for my all time favorite, whether it really applies to my site or not, single LDS women panic.

Anyway, I hope my blog can serve as a support to other LDS spinsters out there who may feel alone and that they just don't fit in anywhere. To them I say, you have many friends right here who know exactly how you feel because we are going through the same things you are. Please don't feel depressed or cast out just because you happen not to be married. Marriage is not the thing that brings worth to person (even though in our culture it can sometimes feel like that). You have so many really worthy and wonderful things you can do with your life no matter your marital status. I think I would like to abolish the term 'single'. Because really we aren't single, we have great friends and family who need and love us just like we need and love them. We are not alone.

Ok I will get off my soapbox now, I hope my little peptalk wasn't too cheesy, but it had to be said. And as always I appreciate and enjoy your positive and constructive comments. Alright then, until my next post.

Life will never be the same

2008-05-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

So today I just finished reading the first book in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, a Mormon Mom from Arizona. Since last summer people (all women) having been telling me that I needed to read the book Twilight. I had some time this week so I finally sat down and read all 500 pages. It was a quick read, fun, and exciting. It made me feel like a teenage girl, giggling and feeling giddy at all the many good romantic parts and getting butterflies in my stomach.

Of course now that I've finished the book the problem is that life seems so dull and ordinary. How can anything in real life compare with breathtaking, dangerous Vampire/Human love? Today I felt dejected thinking how nothing in life could measure up to this fantasy. This book has warped my view of reality, how can anyone I date ever be a wonderful as Edward Cullen. I've noticed on facebook that there is group after group with names like this "Edward Cullen and Bella Swan gave me unrealistic expectations about love" or "Because of Edward Cullen human boys have lost their charm".

So is this what is wrong with relationships today-are we just totally unrealistic about what they should be like? When the giddiness of new love is gone and it starts to get hard do too many people just bail? I guess we could blame the media and I do frequently about their portrayals of a basically unreachable ideal. Someone in our stake presidency gave a talk last stake conference and he mentioned the media's power. He talked about one young man in the stake that decided to swear off all forms of media for a month or two. When asked about the result the young man said, "well everyone started to look a lot more attractive!" Very few people are really as attractive as the people in magazines and movies and they are making us look bad!

On the other hand, maybe this a cry by women everywhere that we want to be loved more and better. We want to be loved for who we are, clumsiness and all. We want to be loved for our human-ness, not our adherence to some uberhuman fantasy. If only everyone could love as well, as deeply as Edward maybe then life would be as good as any novel.

The Ties that bind

2008-05-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

So obviously I have troubles being consistent in writing, so all of you frequent readers may want to add me to your google reader and then it will let you know when I do eventually post. If you don't use this it's a fabulous tool. Just go to your gmail and click on Reader at the top of the page then click on add a subscription and type my url in the box. When you go back and check your reader, my blog name will be highlighted when I've posted. Ok enough of a tutorial.

I've come to realize in the last while that guys are not the only ones who can be commitment phobes when it comes to relationships. Some girls and maybe quite a few Spinsters have a fear of making major commitment. But why? My friend told me the other day that after a four or five dates with a guy she starts to get annoyed by some of his idiosyncracies and calls the whole thing off. She says that she just couldn't live forever with those certain habits/traits. I suggested that the thinking behind it is that, "I've lived this long without a spouse and I've been fine. Why do I want to bind myself to someone for eternity that bugs me?"

I kind of feel the same way as my friend, I guess that is what some people call picky, but aren't you entitled to be picky about the person you will marry? I mean I haven't devoted myself to a life of celibacy this far just to throw it away on someone who is just good enough. I want something spectacular after waiting this long really.

Actually I think part of the fear is also feeling like will lose my independence. I like the things I want to do on my timetable. The idea of the old ball and chain is a little scary. I'm a little afraid of all the compromise marriage entails. Does anyone else out there feel the same way?

Shocked and Appalled

2008-05-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Well school is finally out and maybe I'll have some time now to blog. Maybe. So I was riding in the car with two of my friends the other day and we were talking about dating and guys and how it's so hard to find good guys to date and how will we ever find a good guy to marry, etc., etc. You know the same conversation you've had a million times through the years with your single girl friends. And I, maybe too honestly, blurted out that, well I really just don't worry a lot about that stuff anymore. And they of course were like, how can that be? At first I said, well I just vent everything to my blog and I feel much better about life (seriously a blog is the best and cheapest therapy around! ).

And then I said hesitantly, well it's also because I just don't think I'll ever get married. There was an audible gasp. What! how could I ever say something like that, they agreed they could never give up and think like that! Well I went on to explain that it's easy to forget about that kind of stuff when you come to terms with the fact that you may never get married and that is not the worst thing that could happen. I got a few head nods and well it might not be that bad.

But I just find it amazing how shocked people get (and maybe it's only LDS people that are really shocked, I don't know) when you point out that you are not getting married. It's like the worst thing you could say and they seem to think that you've lost your faith in civilization, humankind, and the whole cycle of life. Even if you know in the back of your mind they are probably thinking, this girl will never get married, they still act appalled. Which reminds me of that great scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Tula introduces her fiance to all her relatives and they say, 'We never thought it would happen, we never thought this day would come, never! But here it is!' Ah I love that movie.

Anyway, with my track record with relationships and the way my current dating life is going, I don't think I'm being pessimisstic, just realistic. Why not just move on with life and stop mopping around and start making plans? Not to say I never think about guys or marriage, but really it's like what is the point in worrying. This way if anything ever does happen it will be a pleasant suprise. And I love suprises!

Spinster Sidekick

2008-04-26T23:01:00.001-07:00

Doesn't it always seem that in romantic comedies the main heroine has a spinsterly sidekick friend that never gets the guy? She is witty and funny, smart and loyal and always gives her friend good advice, which is seldom taken. Oh sometimes she flirts with and maybe gets the hapless slob that is the hero’s, usually perverted, best friend. That is if she’s “lucky”. But more often than not she is unlucky in love for some reason or other, usually it is that her appearance is lacking in someway, or she is very nerdy, or that she is bitter towards the opposite sex. Regardless she is a perfect foil for her gorgeous, glamorous friend whose love life she vicariously lives through.
The only example that comes to me now is Gidget's sidekick in the old TV reruns I used to watch as a kid. Gidget, as played by a young Sally Field, would always head to the beach in her bikini and she'd drag along her mopey, freckle-faced friend who was allergic to the sun and would wear a big floppy straw hat and be covered head to toe in a big mumu. Her friend was always good for some witty zingers, but eventually Gidget would leave her all by herself and go surfing with hot guys. (Ah, that was quite a show, I never realized until now how much it influenced me as a kid, I should go buy the DVD and see if it holds up to the test of time, anyway).

After the hero and heroine get together and the story ends, what happens to the sidekick best friend? Does she stick with the guy’s loser friend, remain alone forever or strike off and become the heroine of her own story?

I think that in life my role thus far has been that of sidekick. I have married off many friends and roommates, but obviously not myself, hence the reason for this blog. So why is it that I have not been the heroine, is it one of the reasons above or is it just that life is not like a movie? Life IS way more complex, but I think I'd like to write a novel or screenplay wherein the sidekick gets the guy and her gorgeous friend doesn't. Wouldn't that be refreshing? I'd eat up a movie or book like that. Doesn't even a sidekick deserve her Prince Charming?

Do you have a favorite movie sidekick? And are you a perma sidekick like me? I'd like to hear what you think.

Thoughts from a Reluctant Spinster

2008-04-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Here is another post from a guest blogger. I think she makes some very good points. As always we welcome your comments.

My friend and I have had many chats about what it's like being a "spinster". She knows how much I hate that word! To me - the word is so Depressing!! That's probably why she started this whole blog - to take the negative attention away from the word! And to help those other single women out there to know that we shouldn't be ashamed to be single!!

I think there are a few different types of "spinsters" Those that are depressed about being single, those that are excited at being single, and those that focus all their attention on accomplishments to hide the fact that they are still single! (I'm sure there are more different types - but that's all I could think of at the moment). What I find funny about the whole "marital" status - is that we ALL wish for what we don't have. Those that are married - may wish they were single. Those of us that are single - may wish we could be married! If only we could be happy at where we are! I will be turning 29 this year. l will admit freely that I have fallen into ALL those types of "spinsters" at some point in my life.

My most recent entrapment happened around my high school reunion. Ahhh, yes - High School Reunions - or Reunions for that matter. What's the point in them?!! Why do we have them??!!! Why else do we get together, but to boast about our accomplishments. If you don't agree - check a little deeper in your soul - of course it's about boasting!!! If you really cared about keeping in touch with your friends from high school - you would still be talking to them. You wouldn't have to show up 10 years later - to show people how skinny you got, how rich you are, and how good looking your spouse is - and maybe kids (if you have any). It just makes the single "spinsters" feel like there isn't anything to show off! (Maybe we should bring our cats, muah, ha, ha!)I'll admit - I didn't go. I would much rather keep my memories of the times back then, than to see how some have turned out miserable. I don't need to see someone else's misery to be happy and content that I'm single. I feel guilty in saying this, but sometimes I look at my married friends/families lives and I'm really glad that I'm single!

I am old fashioned in my dating style. I want a man that will take charge, and will ask me out. I feel this "new age" of women asking men out - has changed men! I'm not pleased with the way most men have turned out because of this. I don't want a man who won't stand up for what he is. I'm still out here searching for this man. Although, my eldest brother, has mentioned a few times - that I would find a man if I bated my eyes, and smiled and say "whatever you want dear!" We have constant arguments about this. That comment makes be feel like I will be a slave to a man. Marriage is about enduring love, hardships, and equality! It won't happen all the time and at one point, both or one may be selfish - but marriage isn't about control! If that's why I'm still single - than I'm glad! I think the hardest part of being a "spinster" is that we are lonely at times. I would much rather be lonely, than to have someone trying to control me.

One thing I have learned by watching my friends and family in their individual marriages, is that it's not about controlling someone else - it's about love. Many people, even if they are or are not married, will look at someone that isn't "paired" up with someone - and think "Well, there's obviously a reason you are still single. Maybe you are too set in your ways. Maybe you're selfish. Maybe you can't love. Maybe you are being too picky." Well, they may be right - but those kinds of people are also in marriages! Wake up people! Single people ARE capable of love - regardless of how long they have stayed single.

To show love - it involves one person showing/giving it towards another. Sometimes I think single people can do more of that, than those that are married - cause the marred people are so caught up in their marriage and their kids - that they hardly have time to show love to other people. I hope we all = single or married, may show more of our love to people we truly care about. For single people - even though you and I are capable of love - if it's not the right time for us to meet our "lover", then let's live a full happy life until it's meant to be!

Nice Girls Finish Last?

2008-04-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

(Hi guys, Here is a post from a friend of mine. I thought you'd enjoy hearing her thoughts on the dating and what not.)

Being a 26 year old single girl, I have had a lot of time to observe relationships and here are just a few of my observations.

The nice girls always finish last-meaning the nice girls are never the ones that are getting married. I consider myself to be a pretty nice girl. I feel that I will treat my future husband very well and also feel that I treat other people very well, considering. I have noticed that the girls that are the ones getting married are not so nice. I watch my sister-in-law for example. She is so mean to my brother. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and every time I am around her, she is telling him what to do. It’s always, Mark (name has been changed) get me that pencil, Mark go wash the dishes, Mark we are going to go visit my family this week, Mark I don’t feel good so we can’t be with your family, Mark I want I want I want. I feel that my brother is always giving so much to her, and she whines so she can get her way. Granted, my brother is dumb enough to fall into her traps, but still. I have even seen him change when he is around our family in order to make her happy. Again, he falls into her traps, but he is a different person since he married her because of the way she treats him.

Independent girls also don’t get the guys. So I can change a light bulb myself. Whoop de doo. So I can change the door knobs on my front door by myself. It’s really not that hard. Who cares? Apparently the guys do. For some reason guys have this need to feel needed. They like it when helpless girls to ask them to do simple favors for them. When a girl asks a guy to do a favor for her, he falls immediately in love with her and will do anything for her. Why is that? What is it about the girl who can’t do anything when a guy is around that attracts them?

It is necessary to touch every guy nonstop when he is around. Story-so I lived with two really annoying girls that somehow were able to mesmerize any guy that walked into our house. I believe it was because they would touch every guy and just hold onto his arm the whole time he was there. How am I supposed to talk to a guy when my roommates were hanging onto him and would not let go of his arm? I couldn’t do it. No, I’m not jealous. I really am not. But it was really annoying when every guy that entered into our house was somehow sucked into their trap.

This last one is just a frustration story about a previous roommate. At one time she was dating three different guys at the same time. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how you can feel good about yourself when you are dating three people at once. The first guy she met while working together. They went out for probably over a year. She couldn’t decide if she liked him, but really it was that he wasn’t attractive enough for her. So then came along guy #2 with beautiful eyes, but she said she just couldn’t talk to him like she could talk to guy #1. She wished guy #1 looked like guy #2 or that guy #2 could communicate like guy #1 could. Personally, I think there is more to a guy than being beautiful. I would rather date somebody that is not so hot and be able to communicate with him. But maybe I’m not like most people. While trying to decide between guy #1 and guy #2, guy #3 came along. He was funny, but I don’t think he was beautiful enough either. Either way, at one point, she was dating three different guys at the same time. She finally decided guy #1 wasn’t beautiful enough, guy #2 wasn’t a good enough communicator, and I think guy #4 came along before she was happy with guy #3. So currently she is dating guy #4 and things are apparently going well. Good luck to her. Do you want to know the twist-at her surprise birthday party, guy #1, guy #2, guy #3, and guy #4 were all there. How’s that for awkward?

Anyway, I probably sound like I’m bitter, but I’m really not. I've just seen a lot of guys friends ruined by girls. And I think it’s interesting that the whiny, dependent, touchy girls are the ones that get the guys. Don’t guys want to be treated kindly and be able to have some sort of freedom? Maybe I just need to change my ways and become helpless and needy…Please come rub my feet for me boys, and while you're at it, take me on expensive dates because that's what I deserve.

No, Anything But That!

2008-04-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

There is a word that sends chills into the hearts of every single person I know and they will do most anything not to be called this word. What is this powerful word? Bitter. It seems like when anyone wants to insult a single person for being well single, they call them bitter. "You aren't married because you're too bitter." Ouch! As if there's not a lot of bitter married people out there. I have even been accused of being bitter for writing this blog!

I was with some of my school friends in the department computer lab and we were checking our facebook accounts. One girl said-"I think I am the only girl in my high school graduating class that isn't married! And I'm not that old!" Another girl said, "Yeah, I have felt fine because I have always had an unmarried friend that is older than me, but that last older unmarried friend just got married this December! Oh well at least I'm not bitter! I mean at least I don't blog about it." Then she glanced my way. I knew she was just teasing me, but I think a lot of people would misconstrue my blog for bitterness.

I honestly I think people use the term bitter to try to control people and to try to make them believe they should always have some kind of maniacally upbeat attitude about being single and that Mr. Right is just around the corner and life will be happily ever after when they do find him. Anyway that's what it sometimes feels like-Never have a pessimistic or even realistic attitude about lifelong singleness.

I think I fall into the realistic camp. And that is what this blog is really about. Me, coming to grips with the fact that I may never marry and realizing that there are worse things that could happen. And also actually that life can be awesome as a Spinster. Not that there aren't things that I'm going to miss out on, but it doesn't mean I need to be prone to fits of crying or hate all men or delude myself either. Those seem to be what people think my options are. No, I will realistically embrace my life and if people call me bitter, so be it.

I've arrived!

2008-04-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

Haha- check this out ladies I was quoted in an article/post! I'm famous... well in some circles. But this is an interesting article, have a look.
http://www.blogher.com/reclaiming-spinster

Spinster Stories

2008-04-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

So I've started to recruit some of my single friends to help me write posts and give me spinster anecdotes that you may find interesting. I obviously am having a hard time writing consistently and need some help, plus I like to hear what you think to. So if any of y'all out there would like to swap stories just email me.

Here is a little anecdote from my dear single friend about the ideas some guys have out there. You know there is prejudice out there to spinsters, but instead of getting mad, lets laugh about it.

"One evening I went to a 25+ LDS Young Adult Speed Dating Night. I figured, what would it hurt? At the time I forgot to figure in pride and/or ego in that equation. As I was chatting with a handsome young man, he asked me about my apartment and roommates. I explained that I had a lovely apartment all of my own, and that I had not lived with roommates for a few years. He was shocked, and wondered why. I told him that even though I had enjoyed having roommates, I was now in a position to be able to create my own little place in the world. I thought he would think I was ambitious, or financially responsible, or anything other than what he did. He replied that he thought it was a mistake for a woman to live on her own before marriage because having roommates will teach her how to negotiate and compromise--crucial qualities in getting along with her husband. While I agreed that compromise is important, I reminded him that I had lived with the same group of roommates for several years, and that we had gotten along quite well--in spite of every one's quirks--and I didn't think I had forgotten the life skills I had learned during those years. He strongly disagreed, but when I asked about his living situation, he admitted he'd never moved away from home, except to serve a mission. Sorry man, but one thing I learned while living with roommates is that our dating lives occasionally required us to say no to a man and dodge a bullet. Consider yourself dodged.

During that same evening, I had the chance to meet another gentleman who was quite interesting. As we asked about hobbies, he replied that he quite enjoys knitting. Fancy that--I have a brother that knits too! This man started describing what his preferred knitting method was, and explaining why he collects antique buttons, when I interrupted with, "Can you macrame too?" He sharply informed me that macrame was not akin to knitting at all, and I was being ignorant. As he huffed away (nose in the air and all), I thought to myself, "What have I done now? Me and my sarcasm!" I'm sure he left thinking it was obvious why I'm single."

I think her humor went over his head, she is pretty sharp and witty. I think it was no bad thing that she didn't go out again with either of them!

Spinsters near and far

2008-03-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

So my research on Spinsters around the globe has not turned up as much information as I had hoped, but I have found a few interesting tidbits. My first question was what are spinsters called in other countries. Here are a few of the results I got from Babel Fish:

German- Unverheiratet Frau (Unmarried woman)
or Alte Jungfer (Old maiden)

Italian- Zitella
or Donna Celibe (celibate woman?)

Russian- Ctaraya Deva (Old girl)

Spanish- Solterona (single one?)

Dutch- Oude Vrijster

French-Celibataire

But I asked my friend from France the word for spinster and she told me it was Vieille fille (Old girl). Here are some snippets from our conversation:

Me: So at what age are you a vieille fille in france and what kind of stereotype do they get?

My friend: Considering that the average age for a woman in France to have her first baby is 29 you're not a vieille fille for us yet. You're just starting your life girl! To be a vieille fille is not so much a matter of age but a matter of behavior to us since getting married does not mean much. We have actually more chirldren born out of wedlock than in. So when you meet a woman of 50 years old who has never been "married" she could very well be a happy mother of three (one just starting her career, one at university and one still a teen).

Me: so vielle fille is not really used much anymore? Is it a derrogatory term? so people don't feel any pressure to marry or start of family from society or their parents? what about in the church?

My Friend: LOOOOOOOOL this is such an American question. Oh nooooo. People really don't feel any pressure to get married. Actually what happens very often is that people get married after having raised their children (if they have not split up before). Vieille fille can still be used but since it is such a seldom thing we don't use it that much and it is therefore even MORE derrogatory. It takes a lot to be a vieille fille. It takes not only to never have had sex but also to be narrow minded and stuck in the time of your youth.
As far as the church is concerned there is not so much social pressure but people feel a lot more pressure from the church. Then you want to ask me why it is this way and then we will start on another subject that will take a lot more time to answer.

So I guess France is the place to go if you don't want to feel any pressure to get married! But not everyone has the French attitude. Here is an excerpt from a very interesting blog from a girl in Jordan, I suggest reading the whole thing at Memoirs of a Jordanian Spinster!!

She starts her post like this:

"Don’t be surprised! Jordan is one of these countries that if you are a woman and did not marry before the age of 25; panic attacks start hitting your family and specifically your mother, and they start doing their best to change this status to married so that they can finally rest and breathe that they did what they were supposed to do.

Suddenly; your mother wants to take you with her to any social call she is making, even if you don’t know the people or you don’t have anything in common with them; your mom will do her best to show you around to her friends and relatives and will go on and on about how successful you are, smart, obedient and how you would make a great wife and mother.

When you go to wedding parties, women will salute you and say in a low tone: By God's will; next time it will be your turn!! When will they learn that this is not a nice wish? It is as if saying we hope that one day you will get married as if this is the ultimate achievement in life!"

It sounds like Jordanian mothers aren't really that different than Mormon mothers. They still say the same things at weddings that they say here, "Next time it will be your turn!" Could that be a the most dreaded comment a spinster could receive anywhere?

Well I will keep searching and try to find more about spinsters from all over the planet, but until then I hope this suffices. Over and out.

Just a side note

2008-03-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how many people from all over the US and Europe have looked at my blog. I have really no idea from my cluster map if some people are return visitors or somehow accidentally ended up at ldsspinster.blogspot.com and have never returned. I think I want to make some sort of guestbook that people could sign in, anonymous or not, and say where they are from, whether they are a spinster or not and how they found the site. But until that day when I get more techsavvy, you can always leave a comment on the latest blog with some info, just for fun, and maybe any ideas you have for new posts.
Ooh and also, let me know if you have a spinster to nominate for Spinster of the Week. They don't have to be famous, just interesting in some way. I think one time I will spotlight one of my great-aunts that never married. Also if you find any great quotes or related websites, I'd love to hear about them. Thanks for you input!

Would a Spinster by any other name...

2008-03-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

Is it bad to call yourself a Spinster? My roommates don't want to read my blog because they don't like the idea of calling oneself a spinster. If you call yourself such does that mean you've totally given up on the idea of ever getting married? If you call yourself a spinster does that mean you want to hole up in your apartment and become a bitter "old maid". (Just a sidenote, I find it interesting that we call those kernels of popcorn that never pop "old maids". What's the significance of that? Do people think that single women that never marry are useless, wasted things? Interesting...)

Why do I call myself a spinster? I thought about this for awhile the other day and I came to the realization that I call myself spinster because I want to be part of a group, I want to have a niche. I could just call myself single, but then that lumps me in with all people, male and female, ages 18-99, that have never been married or are divorced or widowed, etc. There's too many singles to really feel like your part of a group. (Another sidenote, why is it that people are called singles or married people? Why not marrieds or single people? Do we not get person status until we are married?). Ok so it's a much smaller group that are women ages 25/30 and up that have never been married. There is more solidarity with such a group, we can sympathize with and support one another in a society largely prejudiced towards us.

Also I want to take back the word spinster and make it my own, free it from the connotations it holds. I found an interesting article on the internet with this quote from Grumble Magazine (I can't vouch for this magazine because I don't know anything about it, but I liked this quote),

"Ladies, in the great tradition of under-served, marginalized and downtrodden people, we need to reclaim a certain word that defines and labels us as "less than". The word I am referring to is "Spinster". We have been called many things throughout the years: "Old Maids", "Career Girls", "Maiden Aunts", and most recently, and appallingly, "Sex & The City Girls". None of these terms encompass what we are, what we can be if we mobilize. If the gay population took back "faggot" and "queer", and the black population took back "nigga'", then why can't we take back "Spinster" and make it our own, define it our way? I say we can."

Anyway, it's just a thought. I think I have embraced my spinsterhood in a way some others haven't. I may marry one day or I may never marry, but I don't want to spend my life in a limbolike state being neither here nor there. For now I am a spinster and that is no bad thing. For now I will enjoy my life and live it on my terms, without feeling like I am less than I should be. Thank you.

Plans Schmans

2008-02-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

We spinsters are a transient lot. I myself haven't lived in any one house or apartment for longer than 9 months since living at my parents house. It seems I'm always moving for one reason or another, either I'm looking for better accommodations or I'm leaving for the summer or I'm moving away. I have had many many roommates, (62 counting my family and mission companions) some have been great and some have really not been great. But I'm not the only one, I know many girls who move around a lot. I don't know if its out of their desire or out of necessity. I would actually love to settle down and have my own house and plant a garden and stop being so transient, but it isn't that easy. It's hard for a single person to earn enough money for a house.

Some people think of being not married as having a lot of freedom, they think we can just pick up and go anytime we want. But the only problem is money, we have to get a job and support ourselves. I never really thought I would have to.

In Young Women's they prepare you for married life and that is what I planned on. I had a whole timeline of my my life drawn up in my journal when I was like 14. At 18 I would graduate from H.S., 21 graduate from college, then go on a mission, 23 get married, 25 have twins-Christopher and Madeline and so on. I hadn't decided whether to have 4 or 5 children, but I had covered the most important events. I never really planned on a career and having to support myself for the rest of my life. I think guys have it easier sometimes because they always planned on having a career so they have a headstart in knowing what they want to do and making that happen. At 25 I was like, 'what do I want to do with my life?' Well I knew that I wanted to have a family, but since that wasn't forthcoming, what else do I want to do? It's a question that I'm still asking myself. What now? The world is open to me, I can do just about anything I want to do, so what do I want to do? The number of options actually makes the decision harder instead of easier.

So what have I been doing, I worked for a few couple of years in Boston, because I thought it would be an good "experience". Now I'm back in school furthering my education. But what about when I'm done with that? Good question, I'll find a job and who knows where I'll end up-another move. I guess it's true that there are very few people in life who know exactly what they want to do and never deviate from their course. It might be nice to be one of those people, but it may also be true that plan N may be better than plan A, although you would never have guessed it. Maybe it's nice not to have the future set, it's more exciting and suspenseful. You just never know what could happen.

A Tale of Two Chick Flicks

2008-02-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

So I watched two Jane Austen inspired movies this week, Becoming Jane and The Jane Austen Book Club. Both very appropo films for the spinster since Jane Austen may in some circles be called our leader, but one of them I really didn't care for and one of them was a little jewel in the rough. I was suprised how much I liked The Jane Austen Book Club. I went into it with low expectations (the best way to go into any film, that way you're never disappointed), because I hadn't heard anything particularly good about it. But it was sweet little film and more realistic and grown up than most chick flicks, while still being everything a good CF should be and in the end (spoiler ahead) the spinster gets her man and a cute,younger one at that (the darling Hugh Dancy, only downside is he doesn't have his English accent in this one). So go rent it, but don't expect it to have a lot to do with Jane Austen or to follow any of the Austonian storylines, the books are simply something that brings the group together.

As for the next film, Becoming Jane, it was disappointing and not just because she never married whatshisname (who was nothing but a cavorting puglist). It was not funny or clever or vaguely interesting and Jane was portrayed as such a boring stick in the mud that you really wondered how her mind was able to produce the products of our modern-day obession. I must have instinctively known the movie would not be that great since I waited so long to see it, instead of going out to see it the first day it showed in the theaters. Ah well we can't have everything now can we? Has anyone seen either of this movies and agrees or disagrees with me? Or does any one know of any great spinster flicks that are must-sees?

Well, you'll see...

2008-02-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

So I asked my Chinese friend today what they call women that never marry in China. She replied with a laugh,"old virgins". And that is exactly how I felt today and it really had nothing to do with Valentine's Day.

I had a doctor's appt for the first time at the student clinic so I had to fill out all that paperwork that goes along with being a new patient, including a form that asks about your past medical history. This was the most extensive medical history form I had ever seen, it asked about your spirituality and if you prayed among other things. There was also a half a page or more about your sex life. The first question of course being have you ever had sex. My pencil hovered over the check boxes yes, no or never (I'm not sure why they needed both no and never, but they were both there). At that moment I felt like a very old virgin. I'm sure the doctors don't see a lot of virgins in their late twenties at the University of Utah. Would I be the oldest virgin they had ever seen???

In the church it's expected that you'll probably be a virgin until you get married, but to society at large it seems a tad freakish, like that movie The 40 year old Virgin. I've only seen part of that movie on tv, but Steve Carrell is a comic book loving techie who is a bit socially awkward (hmmm, is that the stereotype of a male spinster? That could be a good post later on). Am I like Steve Carrell's character to the world or am I more like a nun? Oh well being a virgin ain't a bad thing there's a lot I don't have to worry about, but sometimes its does feel like everyone is a part of this club that I don't belong to and they have a secret I don't know.

Anyway, so how did I answer the question? I left it blank! What do they need to know about my sex life or lack thereof? For now it will be my little secret.

Technical Issues

2008-02-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't written for awhile because I have been busy doing research. One of my next topics will be about spinsters of the world. I'm gathering data from friends and the net about what spinsters are called in other countries, when exactly you become a spinster there and how those societies view spinsters. It's shaping up to be quite interesting. It may even be a two parter, but since I do have two jobs and go to school, it hasn't been my first priority. But please send me any information you might know about Spinsters in other countries.

Don't despair though there are still new things to tickle the spinster fancy. You may have noticed that I have added a new feature-Spinster of the Week. I found the quote of the week from Dorothea Dix which made me curious as to why she was famous and from there I discovered she never married, but she was totally driven to do great things---inspiring. Also I'm going to add a spinster reading list. It will mostly be articles found online about spinster topics and blogs from other spinster sisters. Also let me know if you have any suggestions for topics or you come acrossed any cool spinster related websites. Ok that's all for now. Over and out.

The One that got away

2008-02-06T21:29:00.000-08:00

So in Relief Society on Sunday we got "the spinster talk" from one of our high councilmen. You know the one about life being uncertain and you can't really plan when you'll get married so you should get all the education you can and just go live you life. They also had a lady come in and speak who was 41 and unmarried, but successful in her career and polished, and also a homeowner. Basically the gist of the whole thing was don't get bitter and don't wait around to get married, face reality. I guess that's a good message. It seems like more and more the leaders of the church are saying you may never get married, or maybe they always said that but I pay more attention now. But here's the thing, what about the promises that I've gotten that said I would be married in this life? Have I not had enough faith to be married? When does faith border on self-delusion or does it ever? I mean if you can have enough faith to move a mountain, can't you also have enough to get married?

Now this brings me to some important questions that I think a lot of single women that want to get married ask-what did I do wrong or what should I have done differently or have I just not been righteous enough to find that certain someone? I've thought that before--If I had prayed and read my scriptures more I would have gotten married. Maybe that could be a factor, but maybe it really isn't. The number of factors is probably so large that it really couldn't be simplified to two reasons. And in the end it's not like I didn't have any choice in the matter. I mean I could have married just anyone, but I didn't really want to married the first joe schmoe that happen to be around.

Which leads me to this thought, "well maybe I really should have married that one dude, I should have made it work. I guess that's going have been my only chance and I blew it." As illogical as I know that is, what spinster hasn't had that thought cross her mind. At the time it just didn't feel right to marry the "one that got away" or "the one that I let get away." I just don't think it would have been the right fit. So I went on a mission and he sent me very long letters and care packages until I told him to start dating other girls. And he did . And got married when I had been out a year to a girl with my same name (now that's tacky). But you know what, as much as I muse about how things could have been different, I don't regret it. And now I've found out some odd years later he's never finished school, put on a lot of weight and left the church. I think I lucked out.

Well these is a short post on what is a very big topic, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Do you have one that got away? Do you ever have any of these same thoughts that I do?

Ageless

2008-02-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

So I've stopped telling people my age. If they ask I try to ignore their question or deflect it or make them guess my age and then say oh that's about right or sometimes I just straight out lie. HA! I can't do this with everyone. Some people I've known for awhile already know how old I am, but with everyone else they just ain't gonna find out unless I want them to.

So why do I care, why am I age concious? I think first of all I don't want people to judge me based on my age. I don't want them to make conclusions about me because of how old I am. I don't want them to wonder why I'm not at a certain point in my life, why I'm not married or what not. I just don't want them to think I'm old. This is especially true since I've gone back to college. I have a class with lots of underclassmen. They know I'm a master's student, but I don't want these 19-20 year olds thinking I'm an old foggie. Maybe they don't really care or maybe they've guessed my true age. But I'd like to pretend they think I'm younger than I am.

I wish I could embrace my age and shout it out to the world, "I'm ** years old and I don't care who knows it!!!!", but I'm not at that point yet. Maybe I'm embarassed, maybe I'm judging myself to harshly. But it's not like I'm alone in this, I mean women are famous for lying about their age the older they get. I mean what woman wants to tell people their age. I know several girls like me. It's sad that society does reward us for the years of experience and wisdom we have gained. Why is the media so youth obsessed? I want to go spend time in a culture that loves the aged, that thinks you're not in the prime of life until your older than 30 or so, not a culture that thinks you've peaked at 23. What do you think ladies? Doesn't anyone out there really not care who knows their age?

Single's wards vs. Family wards

2008-01-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Quite a few of my single girlfriends have informed me that they are going to start attending family wards. A few of their reasons: "Single's wards are just a meat markets"; "You can never get to know anyone because the turnover is too high"; "The pressure at a single's ward is just too much." One of my readers said "single's wards just don't work anymore." I tend to agree with them.
Once you have been to a single's ward for nigh on a decade they become very exhausting and tedious. They are these artificial environments that don't represent the population of the church or society and you know the real reason they exist is to facilitate YSAs getting hitched. But do they really work for that many people? I know some people that won't date anyone from their single's ward, because honestly who wants to see their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend every week at church, let alone perchance serve in a calling with them? There is also a fair amount of stealth dating in single's wards (SWs), because lets face if you go on one date with someone in your ward, everyone knows about it by the end of the night. SWs are hotbeds of relationship gossip and there is a lot of elbow nudging too-"so I heard you went out with Scott, so when are you guys getting married." I honestly don't understand it, if singles hate this treatment so much, why do they inflict it on other singles? So basically there is this huge pressure and anxiety on singles in these wards, almost like mice in a lab experiment. Which mice will pair off first???

Until a few weeks ago I attended a single's branch which I wholeheartly appreciated compared to the huge single's ward I attended in Boston previously. Nobody in the Boston ward really knew or cared who I was, let alone the bishopric. I had to beg for a calling and introduce myself to people each week just so I felt I was somewhat a part of it. Whereas my single's branch was small, I knew just about everybody and I was one of the bishops favorites (well at least I like to think so). The spirit was very strong there, but the turnover still was fairly high and the latest turnover left me with mostly a group of 18-19 year old girls and 21-22 year old guys. They are great people, but not really my peers. So now I'm back in a university single's ward that meets with 9,000 other wards at the SLC institute and the family ward is looking better and better.

I did go to a family ward for about a year or so sometime after my mission. I was the sunbeam teacher and I loved it. There are so many more ways to serve in a family ward. (I would actually love to be a Young Women's leader.) There is also such a greater diversity of people. I love getting to know the elderly people in the family wards too.

So here's what I propose. Dissolve SW's, this way there will be good-sized groups of singles in each family ward and they could plan activities and whatnot with each other and other wards, but you would still get the benefit of a family ward. Well I'm not holding my breath, but it could work. So until that time spinster's will always lament-to single's ward or family ward, that is the question.

Beware the Spinster!

2008-01-29T15:32:00.000-08:00

I hope no one is too devasted that I haven't posted in a week. I was sucked into season one of Heroes, which took up most of my free time. But now I'm back and I have an important question: Do parent's think that because you're not married they have more say over your life then they do over your married siblings, regardless of your age? Does it mean they can be huge buttinski's and "accidently" open your mail that happens to arrive at their house and "accidentally" read it and then confront you about whatever they find? I guess that's what my parent's think. Not that my mail was scandalous (too bad) in any way, but it would be nice to get a little privacy!
This is definitely one of the cons to being a spinster, parents still treat you like you're 16. I think that if I was married and had kids and a house then they might see me as more of an adult. (If I had my own house at least I could have my mail delivered there instead of using my parent's house as my permanent address.) Well perhaps I am wrong, maybe all parents try to control their children regardless of marital status. I'm not sure, I'll have to see what my married sister has to say.
But that leads me into another subject, Parents' views on their daughter's spinsterhoods. I would really like to hear what y'all's parents say to you about marriage and such. Do they try to set you up on dates, or say things to you like, "Don't worry you'll find someone soon", or talk about your future children as if they are sure that you will provide grandchildren to them in the near future? My parent's don't do any of that. I'm pretty sure they have always believed that I would end up a spinster! Why? Do I have a huge 'S' emblazened on my chest like the scarlet letter? "Beware the Spinster!" (oh I like that, maybe I'll make that my title). I really never talk to them about it either. I think I'm afraid my fears will be confirmed and that my parent's will say "give up, it's no use."
Or maybe I don't want to talk about it, because deep down maybe I'm ashamed to be a single, LDS woman over the "legal" marrying limit by Mormon standards. This is sad, very sad to me that there could be some truth to this statement. This shame is the byproduct of having such a heavy, heavy focus on families and marriage in our society. If you don't marry than you feel like you've failed because that was your "mission" in life. What in the heck do you do now? Biology is even against the spinster too, trying to make us feel guilty for not propagating the species, by programming woman with this "biological clock" thing.
Well I want to explore some of these issues further, possibly sometime when I'm not in such a ranting and raving mood. So please post and give me your thoughts. Also stay tuned I may soon be posting a spinster comic strip, that is in the works, and not, thankfully, drawn by me!

Hanging Out, But Not Hooking Up

2008-01-23T17:22:00.000-08:00

If you stay a singleton very long you will soon come across a certain problem. Your close friends get engaged and then married and fall off the planet. At least for a year, during which time you have to make new friends to hang out with. This happens with roommates too, I've sent many roommates off into the marital horizon and then had to get new ones. Over the years each new set of friends and roommates has gotten younger and younger, while I've gotten older and older.
Yes I do have a few friends around my age that have not gotten married, but most of them have moved away, so we never get a chance to hang out. And now we get to the main issue-who do I hang out with in the future when the age gap between me and a new set of friends will just be too chasmatic? I mean when I'm in my 30's am I really going to feel like hanging out with people 10 years or more younger than me and in a totally different stage of life? I could start hanging out with my married friends. I did that my last year or two of college sometimes, but you can only do that so much.
Now I think I see why spinsterhood can be hard and why some people think spinsters are recluses. They have no one in their demographic to hang out with. At a certain age they no longer go to a singles ward, so they don't have that built-in social network. They no longer seem to have a niche in society. They are nicheless.
What we need to do is start our own social network of spinsters, people to hang out with that understand our unique situation in the world. I've already started a group on facebook-the Mormon Spinster Society! Ok ,so the name really isn't that creative or catchy, that can be changed. The point is now we can start to network with our fellow sisters. I don't know where this could lead, but I think it could be a lot of fun. So if you would like please join. Over and out.

Just the Facts Ma'am

2008-01-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

Here are a few statistics about single women and marriage in the U.S. I found them interesting and enlightening, I thought you might feel the same way.

As of 2003 there was 147.8 million females in the U.S. I guess that included children as well since the population then was about 295,000,000. Of that number of females 53.5 million were unmarried (including widows, divorcees, and never marrieds), and 62.9 were married. (I think the remaining 31.4 million are under the age of 15).
54% of Single Americans are women and there is an average of 86 unmarried men to every 100 unmarried women in the U.S. That sounds really bad, but also think of all the elderly women that are widowed. There are twice as many women as there are men in the 85 and older category. Also by state the numbers change. Rhode Island has only 79 unmarried men to every 100 women, while Alaska has 114 men to every 100 women. Of course not all these men are really eligible-some are in prison, which skews the real dating numbers!
But I think most interesting are the median ages of first marriages for people in the US in the past 100 or so years. Just remember median age is not the average, but the midpoint of all first marriage ages.
Median age at 1st marriage:
Men Women
1890 26.1 22
(Now things get interesting, the median age drops steadily until 1956 when it begins makes a steady rise.)
1947 23.7 20.5
1950 22.8 20.3
1969 23.2 20.8
1977 24 21.6
1985 25.5 23.3
1999 26.9 25.1
2003 27.1 25.3

So our grandgrandparents were married later in life than our grandparents and parents! The interesting thing will be to see if these ages for women keep rising or if they will level off. Soon maybe the median age for first marriages for women will be 30!

For more stats check out these websites:
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/2003/cb03ff03.html
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/002265.html

Spinsters get their facebook on

2008-01-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

So I looked up spinster groups on facebook and apparently I have come very late to the game. There are already 114 different Spinsters groups on facebook! Two of which I joined-"Everyone needs a little Bridget [Jones]" and "D*** it feels good to be a Spinster". Why did I choose those particular ones? Well I joined the first cause I'm a Bridget Jones Fan (edited version of course!) and I joined the second one because it was funny and it was one of the only groups that didn't talk about becoming a cat lady. Apparently in many peoples minds "cat ladies" and spinsters are inseparable beings. And the number of women that liked the idea and the number of them that abhorred that idea was split down the middle. Also it seemed that a lot of the spinster groups were created by girls in England and Australia. Do those Isles have a disproportionate number of spinsters compared to the rest of the world???
But I digress, back to cat ladies. It seems that society has lumped spinsters into a few different groups. So lets go over the supposed categories of spinsters.

The Cat Lady, also known as the Crazy Cat Lady: Apparently she has given up on human interaction and filled that need with cat ownership. She lives in a small abode with 5 plus cats and leans in the direction of eccentricity. Oh and apparently she even has her own action figure (this is real!)
While I'm not going to say this kind of spinster doesn't exist and I'm not going to say I haven't met a few of them, this does not represent the Gen X spinster. Spinsters do not have to own cats, I think we come a long way since then.

Librarian Spinster: It seems to me that some jobs will always be linked spinsterhood and being a librarian is one of those jobs. Why? I'm not really sure. In the past maybe the traditional librarian "uniform" of glasses-on-a-rope, hair in a bun, cardigan and long skirt was just not appealing to the opposite sex or maybe librarians just found books so much more interesting and intellectually stimulating than the men they knew. The world may never know, but this kind of spinster is supposedly dowdy, bookish and shy. Ahem, this is not today's spinster either. Today's spinster can have any career and has much more flair.

The Bitter Spinster: This is the man hating, bitter, seething spinster who is epitomized by the character, Miss Havisham, in Great Expectations. She has been scorned by love and exacts her revenge on every male that crosses her path. Personally, I think this is what a lot of men think all spinsters (and sister missionaries) are like. They think that spinsters hate men and are just plain angry because they "couldn't snag a guy." Who really has time for all that anger and vengeance? It consumed and ruined Miss Havisham's life, take note. While modern spinsters may go through bouts of loathing the opposite sex, it's not long before they are back to living their busy lives.

I love this picture. HA!

Well that's all the categories I could come up with for now. If you can think of anymore please comment.

Go Cougars! (and I don't mean the BYU kind)

2008-01-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

If you are anything like me you may have noticed that the older you get the shallower the dating pool of men your own age gets. And when I say shallow, I don't just mean less guys, I mean kookier, less stable, more bitter guys (yes guys do get bitter too). But all is not lost, there is a veritable smorgasbord of hardy, dashing and charming males right under our noses! Who are they???? They are all those young men between the ages of lets say 21-27 years old that you thought you were too old to date.

Yes the future is bright for older, single women. The stigma of dating a younger man has almost fallen by the wayside, actually it's becoming trendy-just look at Demi Moore. And this is where I come to the topic of Cougars. What is a Cougar? A Cougar is a single woman of a certain age that purposely dates younger men. Ok maybe the worldly view of the definition encompassing a little more than just dating, but that doesn't mean that single LDS women can't have their own version of the Cougar.

What really is so wrong with dating a guy 2, 3 even 7 years younger than yourself? I mean guys have been dating much younger women for...well...ever. A 28 year old guy can marry a 21 year old girl and hardly anyone bats an eyelash. Why can't a little older women have the same luxury? I actually find younger guys refreshing. They are less set in their ways and more open to trying new things. Ok so maybe they won't share your affinity for 80's music and they don't know all the characters on Saved by the Bell, but this is a small price to pay for finding a truly great guy. The Gen Y guy is also a different breed than the Gen X guy. Gen Yers are more forward thinking than Gen Xers, they are really more open to the idea of dating older women.

Now you may say, what about the maturity level, he is going to be so much less mature than me and we'll be at different stages in our lives. This isn't neccessarily the case with younger guys. Some people are naturally more mature than others no matter what there age and I don't know a lot of girls that would say that most guys over 30 that have never been married are quite mature. So maybe you're done with school and he's still studying away at BYU. Yes you may have to help support him through school, but again a small price to pay for getting to be with a great guy. And of course there is the perk that you won't out live him by as much as you would an older guy, since it's a fact that women live longer than men.

Basically what I'm saying ladies is don't discount the younger man. Broaden your horizons and just remember the formula half your age plus 7! (that's the youngest you can date ;), or so I've heard from numerous guys). Happy Hunting!

Where the Boys Are...

2008-01-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

As a single gal it's sometimes hard to make plans for your life, because somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking about getting married. It doesn't seem like the two activities should be exclusive of one another, but when you're planning your life you may not want to make plans that will hinder your chance for marriage or make plans that you won't be able to complete if you do get married and want to start a family. This is especially true for the single LDS woman.

Many of us are intelligent, independent, educated women that have lots of dreams and ambitions. But lets say one of these dreams is to join the Peace Corps, that's a dandy goal and all but how many single LDS young men do you think you're going to meet in your three years in the bush? Well unless you take one with you, then probably none. Maybe you'll love your time in Africa or whatever far flung place, but you basically are taking yourself off the market for three years. Now that is an opportunity cost. Is that fair? No. Is that reality? Pretty much yes. Hmm...
Ok so lets say your goal is not so exotic. Maybe you just want to get out of Utah and move back East. That may be a good plan, but is it practical for the marriage minded? Let's refer to some real statistics. I present a chart from National Geographic published in Feb 2007. For a better image you can go to the site
http://catholicgauze.blogspot.com/2007/01/go-east-young-man.html
As you can see there are a lot more single women than men Back East (and in Provo) then there are in Mesa, Las Vegas, Dallas and most of California. So this may throw a wrench in your plans. You may have always wanted to live Boston, but if you do you may be spending more time with your girlfriends than with actual dates. Now this matter is even more complicated for the unmarried LDS gal because the majority of LDS members also live in the Western United States. While I couldn't find the map of US LDS membership that I have seen, I'll give you the salient information. Utah had about 75% LDS population while Massachusetts had about a 1% LDS population.
So what does a young spinster do? Take a risk delaying marriage or plant herself firmly where the single LDS men are? Well either option doesn't guarantee that your will find a spouse, but unless you have inspiration one way or the other, it's something to think about. And that's what this blog is all about, to think about the issues facing LDS spinsters. I personally would go out and live your dreams and hope for the best, but of course I am still single. :) Ladies, have any of you out there had to make that choice? What were the results?

If Hilary Clinton were a Spinster I'd vote for her!

2008-01-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

So it's been awhile since my last post, but I just found out today that I have readership! Exciting! So I thought I better get cranking out a few more posts, so my readers don't get bored and stop visiting my blog. I should probably say here that my posts aren't in any particular order and don't follow any agenda except to be an outlet for my thoughts on spinsterhood and anyone else's who would like to comment. I hope to shed light on the pros and cons of spinster life and look at how society views us and how we view ourselves. It's really a complicated topic, but I intend to look at it with some serious reflection, but also a good deal of humor. So dear readers please let me know how I'm doing and make comments. Thanks! Now on to the topic of the night. Famous Spinsters.

No doubt you know many unmarried woman. Everyone it seems has an aunt in their family who never married and did all of their genealogy work (really would any genealogy get done if it weren't for spinster aunts?) or were a part of some noble cause. I wish I knew their names and could tell their stories. Spinsters have always been in good company and some have become famous to history. Here is a very incomplete list of famous spinsters that I have complied (note some are fictional). If you find any more names please send them along.

Jane Austen (she heads the list because she is very well known for being a spinster and perhaps is a hero to single unmarried women everywhere)

Louisa May Alcott-writer of Little Women (she is probably my favorite spinster)

Emily Dickinson-poet

Emily and Anne Bronte-Emily wrote Wuthering Heights, they were sisters to Charlotte Bronte

Harper Lee-wrote To Kill A Mockingbird

Beatrix Potter (until the age of 47)

(It looks to me that spinsters make great authors.)

Miss Havisham from Great Expectations (spinsterhood gone very wrong)

Elizabeth I-ruler of England, daughter of Henry VIII.

Florence Nightengale and Clara Barton -both famous nurses

Susan B. Anthony-Women's rights advocate

Helen Keller

Joan of Arc

Mother Theresa- obviously she was a nun.

Mary Cassatt-artist

Janet Reno

Condoleeza Rice

Also some actresses of note: Sarah Bernhardt-early actress of the stage; Diane Keaton; Jodie Foster; Oprah Winfrey

And what of famous LDS single women? Well no list would be complete without Sheri Dew- the role model for all single LDS women everywhere. Also, Barbara Thompson is unmarried at the age of 55 and is the new 2nd counselor in the General RS presidency. Then we have Ann Osborn Poelman, a prominent cardiologist, who was a spinster for a long time before marrying Ronald Poelman, an emeritis general authority. She wrote a book about her story titled, The Simeon Solution, a very good read. And I've mentioned before Wendy Watson, a professor at BYU, who was single until her 50's when she married Elder Nelson. (Jenn do you know her?)

This famous spinsters list is quite interesting. Although all of the women found in the list were unmarried, they were not all the same. Some had torrid love affairs, some harbored unrequited love for unattainable men and some were quiet spinsters. But all in all they were strong women, who tried to make a difference with whatever talents they had been given. We are not alone.

for a more complete list of famous spinsters visit the following sites:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=320630

http://spinsterchronicles.wordpress.com/info/fame/

Spinster Entertainment

2008-01-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

There is nothing I love more than a movie or tv show about a spinster making good. Usually this involves snagging a guy, but that isn't the be all end all. Sometimes in the really good shows the spinster comes into her own and becomes her best self-- more confident and sure of herself, more successful, etc. The guy is really just icing on the cake. Take for instance the recent movie Miss Potter. Without wearing a smidge of makeup Beatrix Potter (Renee Zellwegger) becomes a children's book mogul, stands up to her parents, charms Mr. Ware (Ewan McGregor), buys her own farm and in the process becomes a conservationist. All I can say is GO BEATRIX!
My other favorite shows about Singletons making good:

Bridget Jones Diary I and II; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; Persuasion and The Nanny.
Also entertaining to me is any movie based on something written by a spinster: This includes anything by Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte or Louisa May Alcott.

Does anyone else have any favorites out there?

Spinster Sisterhood

2008-01-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

As it turns out there are many self-proclaimed spinsters out there online. When I googled Spinster Blog I got 366,000 hits. Of course I didn't look at every hit, but here are some of the spinster blog titles I found interesting:

The Spinster Chronicles, Spinsterella, Urban Spinster, The Spinster Sister, Diary of a Mad Spinster, Spinster War Diaries, A Spinster for Life, Celibate in the City: My Spinster Prize, Spinster with Cats, Stories of a Silly Spinster, FrankenGirl: Who's afraid of a Spinster, The Spinster Girl's Guide to Love, Latter Day Spinster, and many others!

Some are by LDS women, some aren't. I haven't gotten around to reading many of them yet, but you will for sure get my views on them as soon as I do.

So why are we so ready to calls ourselves spinsters? I was starting to call myself spinster at 23! Did that become some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't know. Maybe we want to call ourselves spinster before anyone else has a chance to. Maybe we have resolved to stay single, so spinster just sounds appropo. Whatever the reason the word spinster doesn't have to be a bad word, actually it sounds kind of hip when you strip all past connotations from it. So lets do just that, let go of the past and embrace the future as single swingin' SPINSTERS!

2008-01-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

So what is a spinster really?

I found the following synonyms for spinster on Thesaurus.com: miss, old maid, unmarried, virgin, woman.

I think virgin is my personal favorite. But even better are the synonyms for the above terms:

Old maid:-bachelor girl, fuddy-duddy, lone woman (like the lone ranger?), maiden, prig, prude (I guess we didn’t want to get married because marriage is just too naughty), single woman, spinster, unmarried woman

Unmarried (just the ones that relate to women):celibate, chaste, cherry, eligible, fancy-free, footloose, husbandless, maiden, old maid, single, sole, spinster, spouseless, unattached, uncoupled, unhitched, unwed, unwedded, virgin, virginal, widowed

Miss:damsel, female, gal, lass, lassie, maid, maiden, missy, schoolgirl, spinster, virgin, young lady, wench (oh, it just meant girl?),

What about Bachelorette?

So the synonyms do throw a light on how society views spinsters, they are prudish, virgins that are all alone. Interesting. I think the only definition that everyone could agree on though is that a spinster is an unmarried woman. But herein lies the question that all spinsters agonize over. Is a spinster someone who just happens not to be married or someone who is not marriable?

Sometimes it feels like that latter is true, but really can a spinster be stereotyped into a certain kind of person? Do they look or act a certain way? It can't be that all mousy girls with glasses and frumpy clothes are spinsters or that they are all pudgy and socially awkward. If those stereotypes were ever true, they definitely aren't true any longer. I know many gorgeous, confidant spinsters and actually very few demure, awkward ones.

Of course all women are nubile at any age in life. They may be getting married for the first time or for the tenth time at any age. And I'm not kidding about the tenth time, my mom's friend has been married at least that many times (is she going for a world's record?). Anyway just think of Wendy Watson who married Elder Russel M. Nelson recently. That was her first marriage at like the age of 50. But even though she was a spinster for a long time, it didn't stop her from becoming a marriage counselor. Well more later on famous spinsters, LDS and not, but I think the conclusion here is that a spinster cannot really be stereotyped. There may be a myriad of reasons for not being married, but I don't think any of them includes wearing glasses.

2008-01-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

This blog is by an LDS spinster for LDS spinsters. How would I define spinster? Well in society at large it's any woman say 40 or over that isn't married. In the LDS world it's much much younger than that. Anything over 25 feels spinsterish, but once you hit 31 and you haven't mangaged to enter marital bliss, well sorry, but you've reached your expiration date. They kick you out of the single's ward. because obviously the system has failed you. and you're put out to pasture. Not that giving up the singles ward scene is some great loss, but the message is loud and clear-it's too late for you. Ouch!
So in preparation for that event I got on the internet and started googling for some kind of support group for unmarried LDS women over a certain age. I couldn't find anything!
I know there are quite a few women out there in my same situation. I know more than a few of them myself. Great gals-- beautiful, intelligent gals, somehow marriage had eluded them, either by choice or happenstance or cosmic forces, who knows. But they are out there and they need to have a voice. So lack of a better option I have stepped in as that voice.
Now I don't know who is going to read this blog and how exactly they will find it. But I know it will serve as an outlet for me and maybe we can rally the troops and stop being a silent minority.